Can I share one of my biggest struggles with you? It’s something that I’ve thought countless times I have under control only to find out – I’m not even close. I hate how weak and shameful it makes me feel. I hate that there are times I can feel it about to overtake me and yet there seems to be nothing I can do to make it stop.
The thing is, no wonder the enemy keeps attacking in the same way and place! He knows exactly where and how to hit me to almost ensure he lands a knock out blow. This struggle is something I keep well hidden, or at least I think I do (guess we are about to find out;)), only my family has seen me at my worst. A few close to me may have caught a glimpse, but believe when I tell you that unless you’ve lived with me at some point – you’ve never really seen when I fall.
It’s something I’ve denied, worked on, thought I’d moved on from and yet when it returns, boy howdy it comes back with a vengeance. 1 Peter 5:8 says “Be sober-minded, be alert. Your adversary the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour.”. Can I tell you that when I am attacked in this way – I physically feel these words, and the attack. Most of the time I don’t even realize the enemy is hanging around, let alone close enough to attack, until after he pounces and takes me down.
Anger. Deep seated, blood boiling, physically shaking anger. Coming from so deep in my soul, I don’t even know where it originates. It’s embarrassing to say the least, let alone share with how many ever people read this. When I was growing up, I’d go to our backyard and kick a ball at the fence as hard as I could until all the energy that came from my anger was gone. In my younger adult years running was my go to coping mechanism because it took so much energy and stamina that drew from the same negative energy bubbling up inside of me. Today, I struggle to find an outlet so sadly it comes out of my mouth, very loudly. Doors are slammed, small objects often slammed to the table or thrown. You get the picture, it’s not pretty and I hope and pray no one ever has to witness it again!
Unfortunately my family has witnessed this more times than I’d like. My words are cutting, hurtful, hateful and meant to sting and tear down. Doing exactly the opposite of what as a Christian I’m called to do. Our “adversary, the devil” is mean and he doesn’t stop after the anger erupts, he follows with shame, guilt and so many lies. I replay the interactions over and over in my head trying to figure out when and where I went off the rails. Which maybe is why I’ve decided to share this hidden struggle. I’m sick and tired of the enemy winning!! And believe me when I tell you, I’ve done all the things – prayer, begging God to take this from me or intervene, read books, talked to counselors, etc.. – I’ve done it all. That is except talking openly about it and doing the painful work of trying to figure out where it stems from.
After a recent outburst and sharing a tiny bit of this struggle with a trusted friend, I began seeking God. Yes, I know I should have done it in the first place. Like I said earlier, I really did think I had it under control. Have you ever had this experience – You’re talking with someone, giving them advice and about halfway through you realize – you should be listening to your own words? Yeah, that happened. I said “run towards God when this happens, not away from him. Our natural tendency is to run away and hide, but that is exactly what the stupid devil wants us to do! Don’t give him the satisfaction.”. Yet, those were the exact words I needed to hear as well because while the circumstances were completely different for me and the person I was talking to, we were handling our frustration and anger in the same way – running from God. That impulse we all have to run, some might call it fight or flight – I believe stems from fear! Seriously, just read any of the gospels following the arrest of Jesus and you’ll see that eleven of Jesus’ closest followers did the exact same thing! One of them to the point of denying he even knew Jesus three times. Fear is a pretty easy tool for the enemy to use, because we all fear something!
While I know I still have work to do here, God has been showing me a few things. After doing some deep soul searching and praying, I am beginning to see that a lot of my anger stems from one of two things – I’m afraid or I’m carrying a burden I shouldn’t be carrying. Whenever someone I love shares a burden or I just happen to see one they are struggling to carry, I rush in, usually unasked and pick up that burden and put it in the already heavy “burden bag” I carry. What I realize even in writing this is that moment of me picking up a burden I was never meant to carry – that is the real point of attack from the evil one. He knows I’ll pick up, carry it and rush to your defense. The problem is two fold – first by carrying your burden – You likely aren’t running to Jesus, but trusting me to fix something I have zero idea how to fix – enter the fear factor. Secondly, eventually the burdens become way too heavy. They start spilling out, mixing with fear of failure on my part and bringing with it so much pushed down emotion that anger explodes. Let’s be crystal clear here – the only way the enemy knows I will fall in this way is that he has seen it a thousand times before! Only God is ALL knowing.
Interestingly enough one of the things really gets me going is when someone attacks my Savior, saying things like “God doesn’t listen or care, Jesus has abandoned me, there is no hope, I have nothing good in my life, no one loves me, etc…”. Which is really foolish, like Jesus needs little old Lori to jump up and defend HIm. I’m not saying we shouldn’t stand up for our beliefs or our Savior, but yelling at someone because they are saying things like that = dumb.
Y’all know I’ve been in the book of John, most recently reading about His arrest, trial, beatings and crucifixion. You know what Jesus did? Nothing. You know what Jesus said? Very little, and what He did say was all said in love. If anyone had reason to be angry and fight back – it was Jesus! He was literally the perfect man, yet was treated so much worse than anything I’ve ever endured, and HE JUST TOOK IT! Talk about conviction!!
Distance between us and our Savior is ultimately what the devil wants. And he will use anything and everything to create that distance. If he can get us to run away instead of towards Jesus then it’s so much easier for him to dangle more and more temptations in front us and each time we bite-creates even more distance. Friends – we have to stop the cycle! I have to stop the cycle and live differently!! We have to start running towards our Savior when the “even if” and hard comes and fear threatens! John 16 says “in this world you WILL have trouble, but take heart – I HAVE OVERCOME THE WORLD!”.
I don’t know if any of you reading this can relate. I believe that more than likely many do. Maybe it’s not anger for you, but addiction, or gossip, or dulling your senses, etc… My point is, don’t let the enemy have the satisfaction of winning the same battle any longer! Take a stand, run to Jesus instead of away from Him, seek Him before the temptation comes, do the hard work to find the root – then ask Jesus who is more than strong enough to rip it out!
Here are a few scriptures that have helped me in this journey:
