Recently it seems as though most of my writing and sharing has centered around laying down what I was never meant to carry at the feet of Jesus. This has been such a hard process and journey. Each time I feel like I’m holding nothing else, Jesus gently reveals more and more. The latest revelation has required a willingness to not only lay down what I keep picking back up, but allowing Jesus to actually lift me out of the pit of weariness and self-reliance where I’ve lived for years. 

Fully letting go of ALL the past and leaving EVERYTHING at the feet of Jesus is hard! Confessing my many sins along the way, while actually accepting the forgiveness Jesus offers is also hard.  Then once again letting go of ALL the past hurt, grudges, wrongs, excuses and more- hard! What I’m learning is that me fighting Jesus’ hands away in the process actually makes it much much harder! 

I have a friend whose children are much younger than mine and tells me how much she loves it when her youngest son gets up in the morning and wraps his entire little body around hers. That sweet image is the very thing I see when Jesus reaches down and lifts me out of the pit where I’ve chosen to stay. I’ve not walked out on my own, but I have stopped pushing HIs hands away and allowed Him to reach in and pull me out. Much like a young child clings to their parent after being away from them. Wrapping their entire little body around the stronger and supportive parent. So, I see Jesus carrying me out of the pit I’ve been living in for so many years. Me tired, weary and without an ounce of personal strength left, fully and totally supported by my strong and able Savior. Both of us weeping because there are simply no words. It’s a beautiful picture in my mind. Jesus even raises His hand to shield my eyes from looking back at once was, because it no longer matters. 

Jesus holds me for a long time, so long that He has to be tired from carrying my weight, but He never once complains. He only squeezes tighter still as I cry every last tear of shame, hurt, loneliness, anger, and loss. My tears flow from deep within. Years of regret, years of fear, years of unworthiness and rejection all falling off of me into the pit Jesus just lifted me from. Never to be seen or remembered again. (Psalms 103:12)

After a while Jesus puts me down and we sit and look at each other. I’m still wiping tears from my eyes, while He tilts his head to the side and smiles. The warmest and most welcoming smile imaginable. Jesus doesn’t say a word, His loving and warm eyes speak of my complete and total acceptance. There is nothing and no one else in this place but it is bright, so very bright! And clean – spotless everywhere my eyes look. But my gaze is drawn back and held by Jesus. 

At some point, Jesus speaks as He extends His hand and says “are you ready?” I sit there unsure, because wherever this place is, where it’s just me and Jesus, I don’t want to leave. It feels safe, warm, and perfect. Jesus sensing my hesitation looks at me with those eyes once again that see absolutely everything yet are somehow so full of love it’s unimaginable or explainable. Once again, Jesus says “are you ready?” He is not rushing me, but this time I see people. Lots of people, some I recognize, others I don’t. Slowly I begin to see more clearly. Some of the people are laughing and playing, while others are crying. Some are very busy, rushing here and there but going nowhere. Some appear to be so lonely and confused, others seem to be weary and worn. Some are just standing there, looking all around wondering which way to go. It all seems very chaotic and I find myself jumping back into Jesus’ arms, crying even harder because I do not want to leave this warm and safe place where it’s just the two of us. (Matthew 11:28-30)

Jesus gently sets me on His knee as a parent would His child. Still holding me firmly, He gestures with His arm towards all the people and numerous roads in front of us and says once again in the softest voice “are you ready?”. It’s interesting because Jesus doesn’t have to say or explain anything, I know deep in my heart what He is asking of me. All the people He is showing me are also His children whom He just as deeply loves and each of them need to find this special place with Jesus. Jesus is asking me, will I go and show them the way. (Matthew 28:19-20)

So many questions and excuses rush forward and I am terrified. I don’t have to verbalize any of them because Jesus already knows and says “I’ve got you, I’ll show you, I want to help you, I’m not leaving you. I was never asking you to go alone, but to go with me.”. (Isaiah 41:10)

This is where I find myself this morning. Standing in front of a doorway, holding tightly to the hand of Jesus, unsure of where the door will lead if I step through, but knowing that is exactly what Jesus is waiting for me to do. Just take one step forward. 

It’s such a hard thing to explain when these images, words and ideas come so clearly. So quickly and clearly there is no doubt they are directly from God. I find myself wanting to hoard and hide them away because they are so special. While at the same time, knowing and learning to share and invite others into this special and safe place I’ve found with my Savior. Little by little understanding how very patient Jesus has been with me and how often I’ve pushed His hands away when He’s tried to pull me out of the pit of muddy and murky self-reliance. Seeing and feeling the brightness and lightness that comes from truly clinging tightly to Jesus, I feel foolish for fighting so hard to stay in the place of weariness and fear. Wondering if this is why Jesus was shielding my eyes as He pulled me out of the pit.  Because what we know becomes oddly comfortable and safe after a while, even when it’s not where we are supposed to be. The past is over and it’s no place to dwell or long for when the future is waiting and people all around me need Jesus! (Matthew 17:20)