If you’ve never broken a bone, let me tell you – it quite possibly is the most painful injury I’ve ever had. A number of years ago, I broke my wrist in our driveway. I knew in an instant it was likely broken. Every move, no matter how small, made me feel like I was gonna pass out. I didn’t want anyone to touch me, because it hurt so bad and triggered that lightheaded feeling once more. In order to properly fix the break however, I had to allow others to help me. My husband had to help me stand up and get into the car. The nurses and doctors had to touch it and move my arm in order to evaluate it. The x-ray tech also had to position my arm in the proper way to get a good picture of the injury. Broken bones also take time to correct and heal, so it wasn’t a quick process. Since my arm was really swollen, I had to wear a sling filled with ice packs for several days before it could be casted. And the casting process – beyond painful! You can’t just be like, yep that’s the arm, let’s put a cast on it. The doctor had to look at the x-rays, ensure the bones were lined up properly by moving and twisting my wrist. Only then could the cast be applied. Then I had to wait six weeks for complete healing. All the while learning how to live and work with only one good arm. 

I share that story because it’s the best analogy I can think of that explains how God deals with our sins fully and completely. A bandaid, regardless of how big or colorful it was, would never have fixed my broken wrist. The same is true of our sin. Quick fix solutions, confession without repentance or surface level correction of sin are all just bandaids. The real healing of repentance and the freedom that it brings, is likely going to be painful and take time. Weeks, months, perhaps even years. But that is what God is after – full healing and complete restoration. 

To be completely transparent – even though I shared in my last post about how God had led me to lay a bunch of junk down at His feet, I find that while I said the words, even writing them out, I have been continuing to hold on to them in my heart. For the most part this was a good week, but those pesky tears seem to be hanging around right on the surface all the time. People keep telling me I should just let them out, but that seems weak and I’m supposed to be the strong one. So, I shove them down until there is no more room or I open God’s word. Then they seem to flow freely. I think in part, my struggle to fully let go has to do with understanding the “why” behind it all. 

What I did last week with God, was kind of like the initial ER visit with my broken wrist. My heart was evaluated, the sin even diagnosed but the repair and healing are still happening. My head understands, but my heart is struggling to catch up. My head knows that Jesus has forgiven me, but my heart doesn’t understand why He would. Therefore, I’m having trouble forgiving myself. It’s so hard to explain in a way others can fully understand. I know all the biblical, theological, reasoning and understanding – Jesus chose to forgive my sin because it was the only way to restore the relationship between God and myself. My head fully grasps all of that! All the while, my heart is over here screaming but why?! Why would a perfect God waste any more time on me than He already has? I’ve known him most of my life and at least in part I’ve always known what I was doing by insisting on carrying everyone’s burdens was sin, and I chose to do it anyway. I’ve been so stubborn and disobedient why would God even want to try and heal/restore me all the way?! 

I wonder if the tears that flow so easily when I read God’s word are part of the “bone resetting” process? It still hurts to see my sin as God has seen my sin all these years. The choice is now mine. Am I gonna allow the Master Physician full and complete access to my heart so that it can be healed, or am I gonna continue to protect it, refusing to let anyone, even God, touch it because of the pain it causes? It’s so frustrating! I thought I was done a week ago, yeah it hurt but we were moving forward. I was wrong! My heart still needs to be casted and given time to properly heal and I fear it’s going to take more time than I want to allow. It’s gonna take so much effort and a new way of living. Not to mention the constant, probably painful reminders that I can’t use that arm (heart) right now because it’s broken. This healing process is going to force me to allow others in and to ask for help. I am beyond grateful to have those people in my life. True soul companions, that don’t run away or hide when it’s hard, but stick right by my side every step of the way. 

As part of trying to rest, listen and just be I’ve taken a couple of walks in a local park. Nature has always filled my cup. As I was walking this morning, leaves were falling all around me. Some big-some little, some broken and some seemingly perfect. It reminded me that for something to live it has to die. These leaves on the ground are no more, but in a few short months new, fresh green ones of all shapes and sizes will grow. I believe the same is true with my heart, Lori has to completely die before Jesus can create new life in me, one that is fresh and growing. Psalms 62:1-2 “I am at rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation,⁽ my stronghold; I will never be shaken.”

As always, I hope and pray that God will use my journey to help others! Thanks for taking the time to read.