Hobby Lobby has been triggering me for months. I’m not sure they ever fully put Christmas away, but from about July on it seems like the Christmas section grows with each passing week. Maybe if I didn’t frequent the store it wouldn’t bother me as much. Regardless, it’s only recently that I’ve been able to walk through the Christmas isles without tears welling up in my eyes. You see, I have been dreading the holidays this year, more than ever before. It’s not like I haven’t been trying to get myself in the holiday spirit, even allowing my daughter to decorate for Christmas super early. Most days however, what I feel more than anything is dread. Dread for how the approaching anniversary, the one I’d rather not recognize, will play out in our lives. 

Thanksgiving will be the last of the firsts without mom. Thanksgiving last year, we still had hope that she’d be home by Christmas. Instead, last Christmas was our first without her. It occurs to me that while my family is approaching the last of the firsts without our mom and grandma, there are several we know who are approaching the first of their holidays without their mom, dad, friend, etc.. Grief sucks all the time, but somehow this time of year is the worst! 

People tell you there is no time table for grief, everyone is different and everyone will have their own process and time table in which they grieve as well as heal. But until you walk through it yourself, it’s hard to fully understand. Our church sends out these small books every few months after a loved one passes until you reach that first year anniversary. It makes sense why the authors put these books together in bite size little chunks, but they always catch me off guard when they arrive in the mail. The one that came this week was no exception. I realized as I opened the envelope what was inside and I actually threw it across the table announcing I was done with it all! 

It shouldn’t have surprised me, my family and I have been feeling all the emotions surrounding this unwanted anniversary for weeks. But as December 3rd draws nearer and nearer I’m finding my sense of dread grows larger. Christmas might have been mom’s favorite holiday. Having all the family together for an extended period of time, finding that perfect gift for everyone, filling stockings and making everyone’s favorite food brought her a sense of joy and happiness. Christmas has always stressed me out for all of the reasons I think my mom loved it. When your parents are divorced, holidays become more complicated and stressful. Then you add in marriage and kids of your own and pretty soon juggling all the schedules, trying to make sure you make time for everyone becomes overwhelming and makes me dread the holiday season. It’s not that I hate or dislike Christmas, but the pressure to make every event special and establish traditions like I was brought up with creates a great amount of stress and anxiety in my heart. 

However, last Christmas was different. Mom spent her first Christmas celebrating in heaven with Jesus and we spent our first Christmas without the glue that held our family together. It was hard, but also special because we were still in her house, sitting around her table and our fresh grief had us supporting one another in a new way. This year however, Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to be different. Not all of our family will be together and those that are will gather at our homes instead of moms. It will look different, smell different, taste different, it will be different. The thing is different doesn’t have to be bad. New traditions and settings can be mixed with old ones. Memories can be shared and created at the same time. They can bring saddness as well as joy. Mom wouldn’t want us sitting around crying and missing her, in fact I can hear her saying “Come on now, pull yourself together, you can do this.”. And she’d be thrilled that we are still gathering together to share a meal over the holidays and making jokes about the rolls that either never rise or get burned at every single holiday meal! 

If you find yourself missing a loved one this holiday season regardless of whether it’s your first or twentieth, I encourage you to hold onto the memories, allow yourself to feel what you feel and be honest with your family. Lean into God and hold onto the hope that one day we will celebrate with them again and this time there will be no tears! Revelation 21:4-5 -“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Death will be no more; grief, crying, and pain will be no more, because the previous things have passed away. Then the one seated on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new.” He also said, “Write, because these words are faithful and true.” Until that day when we all celebrate together forever- “Let us hold on to the confession of our hope without wavering, since he who promised is faithful” (Hebrews 10:23).