I don’t really want to write this today. As a matter of fact, I’ve been trying to avoid it for some time now. There is a lot I’ve been avoiding recently. What I’m beginning to understand is that my avoidance really is me not wanting to accept the truth and move forward. Believing somehow that if I avoid processing the grief associated with the loss of my mom and allow myself to feel all the things that come with it, then it won’t be real. There is a chance this won’t make sense to you, unless you’ve also been completely broken by the loss of a loved one. 

Most of you know my mother passed away in December. Even though we are four months out that horrible day, it still seems like yesterday. My mom, at 82 honestly had been the picture of health until one day when she wasn’t. Her illness came suddenly and acted swiftly, stealing away what little precious time we had left. My family and I haven’t been the same since. That may seem like an obvious statement however, I am constantly surprised by how much it catches me off guard when I suddenly remember I can’t just pick up the phone and call her. 

There are days when I seem to cry at the drop of a hat and days when I don’t. There is no planning for or predicting what each day will bring. It’s more of a wait and see kind of thing, not to mention it can change at the drop of a hat, without warning. Let me tell you, I am not a fan! Friends, family and even my counselor have told me I need to allow myself to grieve. The problem is I don’t really know how to do this. What I do know is that I’m tired of feeling sad, I’m tired, so very very tired of crying. I’m tired of being afraid to re-engage in life for fear that something or someone might trigger these unwanted emotions. I’m tired of feeling drained. So very tired of going through the motions of life without feeling anything. 

One of the things that is confusing to me is that I’ve lost loved ones before, including my dad. But somehow this one is different and it has broken me far more than I ever thought was possible. It has stolen my strength, resolve and energy and joy. I hate feeling this way and it makes me angry that I can’t fix it and pull myself out of this funk. There is so much unfocus that comes with grief as well. As someone who has prided herself on being organized, remembering all the details, never being late or missing a deadline, struggling in this way is hard to accept. 

The point is that It’s easy to get down on myself, feel guilty and beat myself for not being stronger and more able to handle all these varying emotions. But by the grace of God, He’s moved me to a point where I’m ready to work through this and begin to move forward. I can trust that He will be faithful now because He has proven Himself faithful in the past. God can only be faithful, it’s who He is, thankfully for us! 

What God is reminding me is that He knows exactly how I feel. Not only that but He is more than willing and able to meet me exactly where I am! His Word tells us so. Check out these passages: 

• Isaiah 53:3 “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of suffering who knew what sickness was. He was like someone people turned away from; he was despised, and we didn’t value him.”
• Hebrews 4:15 “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in every way as we are, yet without sin.”
• Psalms 34:18 “The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed in spirit.”
• Psalms 147:3 “He heals the brokenhearted and bandages their wounds.”
• Psalms 73:26 “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart,
  my portion forever.”
• 1 Peter 5:10 “The God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ,  will himself restore, establish, strengthen, and support you after you have suffered a little while.”

One of my best friends has been focusing on and praying Psalms 27 for several months, specifically verses 13-14, which says “I am certain that I will see the Lord’s goodness in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart be courageous. Wait for the Lord.” I for one am ready to see the “LORD’s goodness in the land of the living”! 

Not only was my mom one of the strongest women I’ve known but she was always there. No matter what day, time or what it was any of us needed, she was just a phone call away. In many ways she was my (our) safety net. No matter what our life brought, mom was there. The thing is my mom was not God, God is God. He is the One I should be counting on and running towards before anyone else. Don’t get me wrong here, as a mom myself there is nothing I wouldn’t do for my kids. But I cannot  take God’s place. My job is to lead my kids to their true Savior, not try to be a poor replacement. My mom loved Jesus and I can guarantee that if she were here she’d say “Lori, you need to snap out of it and get back to living your life! You have to trust God.”

I’ll be honest and say, I know this isn’t going to be easy or quick. But I also know I am not alone. I have a Savior who is with me every step of the way! 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and in difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”