2 Corinthians 12: 10– “So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and in difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong”. This idea of admitting weakness, embracing it even, is something the Holy Spirit has been convicting me of recently. For a good portion of my life, I’ve prided myself on being the strong one, the responsible one, and the one others come to with questions or when they need help or support. As long as I can remember, I have never wanted to be weak. I don’t want others to see or think of me as weak or needy. It actually makes me mad when I have to ask for help. This issue of not wanting to ask for or admit my need for help rears its head in pretty much all areas of my life. Think I’m exaggerating? Ask my family and friends they’ll tell you, this is 100% me! I can’t tell you how many times someone has asked if I needed or wanted help and I’ve said no. Thankfully those that know me well, push the issue and don’t allow me to get away with refusing thier help.

This whole idea of being weak and needy comes up because I’m becoming more and more ticked off that I’m having such a hard time dealing with my mom’s passing. I am 58 years old for heaven’s sake, I’ve lost other people in my life, I know my mom is with Jesus! But here I am, still struggling almost every single day! I cry almost every day. I hate crying-it’s a sign of weakness. I am unfocused all the time. Unfocus is a sign of irresponsibility. Over these past few months, I’ve been forced to ask for help, admit that I am in fact in need of things that I can’t provide for myself or my family. It’s come with missing more work, more church, more appointments and events than I care to admit. Don’t get me wrong here, I am beyond grateful for my support system and those who have stepped in and stepped up to fill the gap. The problem is soley mine, deeply rooted in the sin of pride. My blatent refusal for help doesn’t just stop with people, I also find myself refusing to ask God for help much of the time. Telling myself, I should be able to this or that on my own, without bothering Him. Additionally, I find myself avoiding the things, situations as well as the time and space I know are needed in order for to process my feelings, thoughts and emotions. I’ve been stuck! I’ve been angry! And I’m becoming more and more impatient with myself.

It’s ironic really, since I’ve said on more than one occasion that I’m tired of always being the strong and responsible one. Now here I am on the other side of it, finding that I don’t like it much at all!  Maybe strength and responsibility don’t even go together? In my mind however, it seems that you can’t have one without the other. I mean how can you be responsible, if you’re not strong enough to handle the rough spots? And how can you be strong if you aren’t responsible enough to show up, work hard and do those things you don’t want to do? At a young age I was taught that the only person you can depend on is yourself. While, I don’t think the intent of my mom’s lesson was what I’ve made it, refusing to ask for help. Somewhere along the line, I took it to the extreme. As a result I’ve spent many years setting myself as the one that people can depend on all the time. That line of thinking is just dumb! I am NOT God! Paul shares in 2 Corinthians 12 that “a thorn in the flesh was given to him, so he wouldn’t boast”. I think I finally get that! I mean I’ve understood the concept, but haven’t really understood it in my life until now. Don’t you love it when God opens your eyes, even if just for a moment, to see why and understand how life not going our way is in fact meant for our good and His glory! I am beginning to understand, at least a little, how He has worked so many things together so that I will admit I am in fact weak, and that it’s 100% okay! It’s honeslty more than admiting weakness, it’s also admitting that I need God every single day and in every single way! It’s about accepting help.

Forcing myself to even reach out to a Christian counselor was an extremely hard step. It meant me admitting I was not okay and needed help. But God works in mysterious ways and dropped the perfect opportunity in my lap! Anyway, my counselor has been using this analogy that grief is a river we are thrown into. It’s not something anyone willingly jumps into. The river is gonna flow where, and how fast it flows. There is nothing we can do to change its speed or direction. We cannot simply choose to step out of the river, we have to allow this river to take us where it takes us, as quickly or as slowly as it chooses. This grief river is full of branches and rocks. Sometimes you’re gonna get hung up or reach out and grab a branch, stopping your progress down the river. The problem is, when you stop moving and begin clinging to a branch or rock, the river keeps moving. Now you begin to feel the added pressure and stress of the river’s current working against you, trying to push you along. This analogy makes a lot of sense to me! This is exactly where I am and what I’ve been doing. Hanging on for dear life to something that isn’t strong enough to keep me safe and was never meant to. Filling my days with stuff, refusing in a way to let go of that rock out of fear of where the current might take me. The river’s current constantly working against me, encouraging me to move, while I stubbornly hold on tighter, refusing to let go and trust God. No wonder I feel exhausted all the time! 

What I’ve come to realize is that I fail to give myself the grace I offer to others and/or tell them to give themselves. This passage in 2 Corinthians 12, is just one of many that teaches us it’s okay, even desirable to be weak! Because that is where God and His strength shine. What I need to do is loosen my grip, stop avoiding and allow God to move me through this river of grief as He sees fit. I need to allow myself to cry, rest and say no. I need to step into and embrace my designed weakness and allow God to be God! I need to trust God with my entrie life! Which means letting go of control and allowing God to direct my path.

The Holy Spirit has laid a question on my heart that has forced me to stop and think about what I’m doing and why. Because the thing is, I’m pretty good avoiding stuff I don’t want to do. I’m an expert excuse maker! But the longer I fill my days with busyness and stuff, and hold onto that rock, refusing to move, the longer I stay in this grief river. The question is “So what, or what’s the worst that could happen?” In practical day to day living this looks like “so what if the house doesn’t get cleaned today? What is the worst that could happen if you actually take an entire day off? So what, if the laundry doesn’t get done on the normal day? Or what is the worst that could happen if you said “no, I really can’t add that commitment to my life right now”? The answer to all these questions and others is life will go on, your family, friends and even boss will understand. Afterall, they’ve been asking me for months what I need or how they can help!

Going back to the river analogy, think about how peaceful and relaxing it can be to float on a tube down a river on a warm summer’s day. You still get hung up from time to time on branches and rocks, but you allow the river’s current to guide your way. Sure the rocks, may slow you down or force you in a differnt direction than you had planned, but you continue to move, trusting the course. God has a plan, a purpose and He knows exactly where He is taking you and how quickly. Jeremiah 29:4-14, is a letter from the prophet Jeremiah to the people of Israel who had been deported to Babylon. Most of you can quote 29:11 pretty easily. It’s a feel good verse. But there is so much more in this passage. It’s all about thriving where you are-even if that place is in the river of grief. The end of verse 6 says “Multiply there“, I love that! We can grow, even mulitply in those seasons of hard, when life doesn’t go the way we had hoped or expected.

Hear me when I say, I do NOT have this all figured out! In fact, I am more than positive that I will still fail and struggle with admitting and accepting my weakness, willingly asking for help and not allowing myself grace. But God is growing me and teaching me, opening my eyes and heart a little more each day to see that “His grace is indeed sufficient”!