Do you ever find yourself questioning things that have typically been the normal or routine in your life? Have you ever found yourself in a season where you are consciously avoiding or trying to avoid people, experiences, or places? When was the last time you were so confused, frustrated or discouraged with – let’s call it your “faith life” that you’ve begun questioning what you’ve believed to be true most of your life? 

Can I be honest with you? The truth is this is pretty much the season I’ve been living in for the past few weeks. I’m finding it frustrating and discouraging to the point that it makes me angry some days. Truth -I’ve been  looking for reasons to skip church. Truth- I’ve found it hard to pray. Really it’s more that I’m finding it hard to be quiet and just listen to God. Truth-there are days (more than I’d like to admit) that I have little motivation to do anything other than lay on the couch and mindlessly watch TV. 

This season of what I’m gonna call the “season of blah” is something I don’t  understand. Because the truths I mentioned are completely out of character for me typically. I love church. Historically, most Sunday’s I look forward to going, look forward to worshiping, look forward to seeing my friends, look forward to seeing and teaching my high school students, etc. To be completely honest, I started writing this two weeks ago during church while our pastor was preaching and yesterday I straight up skipped our worship service and convinced my family to do the same. What is wrong with me? 

Another truth – the loss of my mom in December has been way harder on me than I ever imagined! And while I know I need to allow myself to grieve and the time and space to do that, it’s really starting to tick me off. And I am sick to death of crying! I hate to cry. My counselor actually warned me this might be the case. The problem is the people, things and places I would normally run to are the very things I’ve been looking to avoid. Writing is another one. God made me a processor and writing is one of the huge ways I typically am able to process my thoughts and feelings. I journal pretty much every morning, but lately there have been so many days when all I can get out is the date and the words “Well, here I am again God”. The fact that I’m sitting here, actually typing these words is a huge accomplishment!

The “season of blah” is also contributing to my growing list of stuff that needs to get done. Did I mention how frustrating this is! I mean I’m a straight up type A personality when it comes to getting things done. Let’s make a list and start checking them off one by one. I find it frustrating when others stand in my way and/or don’t appear to be working as hard as I am. Anyone else out there write “to-dos” on your list only so you can check them off? My family can tell you that I typically don’t have much patience or mercy when it comes to waiting on others who are going through a “season of blah”. Which I’m sure is a huge part of the daily frustration I feel, not mention the pressure to work through it already!

Thankfully God is faithful all the time! Thankfully God is working, even when I can’t see it, feel it or understand it. In His providence and mercy He has laid some questions on my heart. Honestly some days thinking through them and forcing myself to write down the answers is the only thing getting me through the day. The two questions are: What do I know to be true today, about God? And what do I know to be true today about myself? Not only has God given me these questions He has consistently laid a few scriptures on my heart that have been absolutely perfect. But isn’t that how God works – providing us with exactly what we need at the exact time we need it? In each of these verses the bold words are those that grabbed my head and heart and are working to shift my focus back to God.

•  1 Peter 5:6-7– Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that he may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your cares on him, because he cares about you.
• Hebrews 4:16–Therefore, let us approach the throne of grace with boldness, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in time of need. 
•  Matthew 11:28-30-“Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, because I am lowly and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”, 

When I force myself to write out what I know to be true about God today, my focus is shifted from myself and towards my Savior. It reminds me that God is God and He has all the details well in hand, taking the pressure off me. It reminds me He is Sovereign, big and more than able to handle all things. It brings me peace. It reminds me of all the times God has been faithful to provide in the past, bringing a lightness in realizing that I don’t have to have all the answers or understand the timing. God’s got it. 

Thinking through what I know to be true about myself, reminds me that I am needy (those are hard words to type). I want more than anything to be self-sufficient, but God didn’t wire us that way. He wired us to need Him and to depend on Him. It makes me realize how frequently I either don’t ask Him for help or ask but don’t wait. Because in my mind there are some things I should be fully capable of handling on my own. It also reminds me that I am a sinner, saved by grace and God’s grace never ever runs out. Two of my favorite verses are 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 “But he said to me, “My (Jesus) grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and in difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 

I don’t know how long God will keep me in this “season of blah“, but I can rest assured that He will lead me through it in His timing and His way. And history tells me that He will grow me, challenge me and convict me as He walks alongside every step of the way.