Grief and gratitude are an unlikely pair, but I’m learning that they go hand in hand. I read this quote recently that said “Time doesn’t heal grief. Healing heals grief, and your healing process will look different than others.” . I have to admit, I’ve never thought about grief this way before. Who hasn’t heard or even said “time heals all wounds”.  What if both are a little bit true? 

For the past month or so I’ve been telling Jesus that I don’t know how to heal and it’s really starting to tick me off! Most of you know my mom passed away somewhat unexpectedly in early December. It’s a weird thing really, not to have a mom, even as an adult. There have been a few  times I walked into her house expecting to see her standing there in the kitchen. It’s quite possible reality has yet to truly sink in. Partly because  we’ve been busy trying to get through the holidays, clean stuff up and out, finalize her estate, etc.. And partly out of fear. This one is a bit harder to explain but I can’t help but wonder what truly allowing myself to grieve might bring up, more than just the loss of a steady and strong person in my life. Not that it’s the right thing, but at the moment it seems safer to just not allow myself much time to grieve. 

This meant I entered January and the new year without much of a plan. I’ve never been one for new year’s resolutions or picking a word or any of the other typical things people like to do each year. This year however, I  felt the pull to do something, the need to move forward in some manner. I just wasn’t sure what exactly until early one morning. 

The other fun thing grief brings is the inability to sleep (not really, but you probably can’t get the full effect of sarcasm without hearing my voice). I tend to lay in bed and think. Think about all that needs to be done, how to do it, who is going to do it, wondering what if there was anything we could have done differently, etc., the list is endless. Often this leads to me being up pretty early in the morning. Recently one early morning, as I sat pouring my heart out to God, two things happened. It was one of those times where the Holy Spirit was unmistakably speaking. First questions started flooding my head. Questions like: What do I know to be true about God, about myself? What do I need to let go of and how do I go about earnestly seeking God every single day? (More on those at a later date). The second thing was I felt a deep need/desire to get on my knees and thank God for- well,  for everything – the good, the bad, the painful, the hurtful. 

My daughter asked me “what is it about a deeply felt loss or tragedy that makes you feel closer to God”? My response was “It forces us to fully look to and depend on Him, because we don’t know what else to do”. The thing was I hadn’t been feeling closer to God, but more distant. Turns out that even though I was going through the motions of reading my Bible and praying, I was also actively avoiding Him. While I’m sure some of you will find that hard to understand, I’m just as sure some of you know exactly what I mean. The point in – God intervened that morning. Which prompted me to focus on gratitude. 

Since that morning, I’ve consciously looked for ways to be grateful. Even spending a week only thanking God for all that He has done and provided, not asking for anything other than the focus I needed to do so. What I am learning is that gratitude is hard! Especially in times of grief and hurt. There are so many questions and so few answers. Everyone seems to want something from me, and I have absolutely nothing to give. Everyone that is but Jesus! Jesus just wants me, He asks nothing of me but to come and allow Him to take on all the heavy I have been attempting to carry. 

Spending a week in humble submission and gratitude has been eye opening and refreshing. It’s made me stop, think and listen. I’m learning to see life from a different perspective. Whenever I’ve felt like complaining, I’ve looked for a way to be thankful instead. For instance, I have bad knees, they hurt a lot at times. Instead of complaining, I thanked God that I had the ability to feel pain, and have knees that help me walk and move. Winter is not my favorite, in fact I hate it, but we live in Missouri and winter is an unfortunate part of our lives. We’ve had three snow days this week alone and the forecast is for frigid temperatures for the next few (too many) days. But I have thanked God for the beauty of freshly fallen snow and having extra time off to get much needed work done at my mom’s house. 

I’m learning that gratitude takes time, it takes silence, it takes a ton of humility and grace (of which I lack). God however, is faithful! He is always here, reminding me to shut up and listen to who He is and how big He is. Isaiah chapters 40-41 are a favorite of mine. These words remind just how big my God is! 41:9-10 says “I brought you from the ends of the earth and called you from its farthest corners. I said to you: You are my servant; I have chosen you; I haven’t rejected you. Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with my righteous right hand.”. We have to choose everyday, many times a day whom we will listen to – God or someone else. There is only one right answer here -it’s God. 

Gratitude also brings light and peace. I feel lighter, I am beginning to see things in a new light, brighter and more hopeful. I am not in control and what’s better is I don’t have to be- Jesus has it covered! I feel lighter, not carrying what I was never meant to carry. I feel less agitated and on edge most days (I’m still learning). Gratitude is reminding me all of all the blessings my gracious and good God has provided. Gratitude brings me back to my knees in faith and dependence on the One who is more than able and far greater than I.

Gratitude and grief can co-exist. In fact, maybe they even need to? I’m still tired. I’m still sad. Still more than ready to get my life back to “normal” but I am also beyond grateful that I am not alone. I have Jesus. I have a family. I have friends. I have hope. I have confidence that we will all grow through this experience because our God is faithful-all the time! I’m learning it’s ok to say no, to take time off and away. It’s ok to need to carve out time to be alone, move slowly and to sit in silence and just listen. It’s ok not to complete your “to-do” list every single day, heck it’s ok to not even have a list some days (ouch this is hard for me to write). It’s okay that we are all in different places and moving at different speeds. It’s okay not to be ok (thanks Central Church LV for this one!) It’s okay not to be strong all the time. It’s okay to grieve and even allow others to see that grief. And it’s okay to be honest about what you need, even if it’s not a hug. It’s okay to be sad, but it’s also okay not to be and remember the good times and laughter. It’s okay to cry all alone and with others. 

Grief and gratitude, an unlikely pair indeed. But isn’t that how God loves to work? Making and using the unlikely to do great things?! Today, this week, this month, I’m choosing to be grateful for my grief. The hope and healing it brings as well as the knowledge that my grief stems from the great blessing of having a mom who loved Jesus and her family greatly. Grateful for the bonds between family and friends that come from a place of grief. Grateful that we are never alone, and that we have a Savior who fully understands grief. Grateful for a fresh perspective that comes from grief and a Savior who already knows what I need and want. 

Once again as I close out this writing I’m thankful for God’s perfect timing. To be honest, I’ve wanted to sit down and write this for several days now, just haven’t had the opportunity. Today, I’ve been in a foul mood. I’ve argued with most of my family for no real reason other than I’m tired of being tired. Sitting down late this afternoon to work on this was not what I wanted to do, but this is when I had the time. Reviewing my notes is exactly what I needed today to shift my focus back towards God and gratitude.