Sin sucks! Sin hurts. Sin kills. Sin destroys. Sin is ugly. Sin is deceptive. Sin is destructive. Sin is a liar. Sin distracts and confuses. Sin is heavy, especially when you don’t realize how much you are carrying. Sin is something everyone does. Sin is an undeniable fact of this life (Romans 3:23). Sin is lots of things, not a single one of them good. What’s worse is when your sin habit becomes so much a way of life that you don’t realize just how far you’ve drifted from God (Matthew 6:24). In God’s eyes sin is sin, no matter how big or small we consider it. Every single sin is hurtful because it creates a barrier between us and our Savior. I fully understand and believe this truth. However, for the purposes of this blog it’s important to understand that I’m not talking about what most would consider “big” sins, but normal everyday sins. Stuff  like gossip, bitterness, pride, greed, lack of mercy and grace, being judgemental, etc.. Because the truth is all of these seemingly small sins are just as ugly to God and if we are not careful can cause us to unknowingly drift further and further away from the narrow path we are called to walk. 

This type of sin is often so deceptive that we don’t even see it in ourselves. Although it can’t help but come out in our attitude, words and actions. More than likely others will notice it long before we are willing to see it in ourselves. Our inability to see and address those seemiingly small sins in our own lives can be just as harmful to our witness as those “bigger” sins. Maybe even more dangerous because it’s soooo easy to become so filled with pride that we refuse to recognize and/or can’t see how our attitude and behavior is negatively affecting absolutely everything we say and do. If left unchecked we actually begin to believe that we are always right, always better, that nothing can be done well without us, etc.. Additionaly it leads to a spirit of bitterness and complaint about pretty much everyone and everything. Sin sucks! Pride sucks! 

Effectually we are worshiping an idol of self. We become so inwardly focused that we often miss  beautiful and amazing things that are right in front of our eyes. We miss opportunities. We miss actually seeing people, thier hurts, thier joys, thier needs. We miss joy. We miss life and actually living it (John 10:10)! You see, I understand this sin problem at a deeply personal level. Only recently coming to understand and realize just how far from God I had drifted. When I think back over the past weeks and months, tears flow freely because of all how much I’ve hurt others, things I’ve missed, all the time I’ve lost, the joy I’ve missed out on experiencing – all due to my own spiritual blindness and sin. Sin sucks! 

Honestly, I’ve known something has been “off” for quite some time. I can’t count how many times I’ve finished my morning quiet time feeling just as empty, frustrated and discouraged as when I sat down. The habit and cycle of sin had me so trapped that even though I was trying to spend regular time with God and His word- nothing changed. Confession of sin was at most me simply going through the motions of what I was supposed to do. I convinced myself I was just tired, over committed and had misunderstood where God was leading me. While these things may be true – they were only symptoms of a much deeper problem-sin.

It’s not that God wasn’t here, or that He wasn’t speaking, but that I was too stubborn and way too self reliant to pay attention. I was so full of myself, that I couldn’t bring myself to cry out to the only One who could actually help. Pride at its absolute worst convinces you that it’s too shameful, too embarrassing, that you should be able to handle this on your own. So you won’t admit your problem or ask for help- even those closest to you, and who love you the most. Saddly, this means you continue in the sin cycle, week after week, month after  month. You get really good at playing the game when you’re with others, it’s only when you are alone that the crashing feeling of helplessness washes over you. 

If you’re anything like me you fill your life with busyness and distraction, all the while desperately searching for some other reason to explain away your poor attitude and behavior (your sin). All the busyness- good things even just leave you even more weary, more desperate to find answers. But instead of running to God, you make excuses, you blame, you accuse, you doubt. Little by little drifting further and further away from Jesus without even realizing what’s happening. Till one day when you are so frustrated that you cry out to God-for real!

I’m not exactly sure how God finally got my attention, but thankful He did! It wasn’t just one big thing, but lots of little ones over several weeks. Ironically, much like the sin that caused me to drift away. Scripture after scripture* that pointed toward sin. Every devotional I opened pointed to sin. Every message I heard, every song on the radio, seemingly everything pointed toward my sin. The Holy Spirit, used all these to soften my heart, create a space for me to be quiet and still before God. He cleared away a bunch of the lies echoing in my head so that I could not only hear God clearly, but see my behavior for what it was-sin. John 21 is a passage of scripture that always seems to center me. I love how Jesus restores Peter! I’m not sure if was a prompting or simply my desperate attempt to find a familar and comforting passage that caused to turn to the chapter, but I did. Verse 6 is what caught my attention this time- it says “Cast the net on the right side of the boat,” he told them, “and you’ll find some.” So they did, and they were unable to haul it in because of the large number of fish”. I know I’m taking this out of context but that day it was like God was saying “Hey Lori, you’ve lost sight of me, your casting your net in all the wrong places. What I want is for you to seek me and my will, not your own. I’ve got a better plan, but you’ve got to want me, my ways and timing more than your own. Will you just stop trying to fix and instead lean in and listen?”.

Time and time again, scripture after scipture, God gently exposed the darkness of my sin and led me to a place of true confession and repentance. You see, my sin was never hidden, really. Jesus always knew-he paid for it. My family knew, how could they not they live with me. My friends knew, they might not have labeled sin, but something “being off” in me. My co-workers knew because all I ever did was complain, refusing to see the good. Heck, complete strangers knew, because of my poor attitude and general impatience. Everyone knew what I refused to see.

Thankfully God is bigger than all our sin. God is stronger. God is wiser. God is compassionate. God is so very patient with us. God is so extremely merciful. God is more than able to break through the cycle and capture our attention. Every sin of yours and mine has already been paid for by a Savior who is so forgiving it’s incomprehensible. God heals. God restores. Jesus saves! Romans 8:28 says “We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” While I may not understand today why I went through this season of wandering, I am confident that God will use it and me for His good and His glory! 

*There were several scriptures and devotional readings God used to get my attention, it would take way too long for me to attempt to explain how each one met me exactly where I needed, but I do want to share just a few references here:

• New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp
• My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers
• Psalms 51
• Psalms 23
• Psalm 118
• Amos 5:4 &6
• 1 Samuel 13
• Jonah – All of it
• John 21:6 & 15-19
• Revelation 2 & 3
• Romans 8:37-39