There is this thing that seems to happen all the time, at least it does to me. This week was no exception. Let me set the situation up before going further. The past few weeks have been just plain hard! Professionally, personally and even spiritually, the reasons behind the hardness are many and varied. We all have times and seasons when life seems harder than normal, but for me this season has been exceptionally hard. Typically I’m an organized list maker that plans months in advance, lately I can barely figure out what needs to happen tomorrow. Case in point- my husband got a new job last week, a long prayed for job and we have yet to celebrate! I constantly feel like I’m working from behind, trying to catch up. I’ll be the first to admit that I haven’t handled this hard season like a mature Christ follower. It’s not uncommon for me to rush through my Bible reading time and try to “fix” instead of praying and then trusting God to do His job. And yes, I do feel guilty for taking time to write when there are so many other things that need to be done. Hopefully, that bit of background will set the stage for where we are going.  

John 13:38a “Then Jesus answered, “Will you really lay down your life for me?” These words shocked me this morning. Not because they were new, quite the opposite they are very familiar. But as God often does, He catches me off guard with a very familiar scripture so much so, that I sit there for a minute confused about what just happened. While I have been working through the book of John, this wasn’t the chapter I was turning to this morning. Apparently, it was the one God needed me to read! I read the words over and over and over again. Unable to shake the hurt (for lack of a better word) that was almost audible, as He said again and again “Come on now Lori, will you really lay down your life for me? Because I’ve seen the choices you’ve been making lately and I just have to wonder, do I really have your whole heart?”(my paraphrase).

Some of you might be thinking- ok, but aren’t you taking this verse out of context? Well, yes and no. Yes, in this particular story Jesus and Peter are talking about a physical laying down of life resulting in death. Peter is insistent that he would do just that to follow Jesus.  And no, because I believe there is much deeper meaning in Jesus’ question. The same question is just as relevant today as it was for Peter, the circumstances are just different. As followers of Jesus, are we not all called to lay down our lives and follow Jesus? A few chapters earlier in John 12:25 we read “The one who loves his life will lose it, and the one who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” Isn’t this exactly what Jesus is saying here – when you choose to follow me, “your life” has to end? I think it’s important that we define “life”. In this instance “life” is defined as your will, your choices, your plans and your timetable. As well as your physical life. It’s the life we want to lead over the life Jesus has called us to lead.

The second part of John 13:38 says “Truly I tell you, a rooster will not crow until you have denied me three times.” We all know the story, Peter does in fact deny Jesus three times following His arrest. Peter also tries to “fix” by drawing his sword and cutting off a guy’s ear. He too, wanted to fix versus trust. You see Peter had a huge pride issue and this is only one example of Jesus working on this particular sin in Peter’s life. The same thing happens to us when we allow pride to run our lives. Pride unchecked will almost always bite us in the butt. Which is why Jesus calls us on it by asking “will you really lay down your life for me?” Jesus isn’t asking us to physically die for him (although in some countries and cultures that is the case), but He is asking us to give up our way, our timetable, our will, our plans- in a sense our “life” for Him. That is the truth that rocked me this morning. To have my Jesus, my Savior, the God who loved me first and taught me what love truly is, the One who willingly bled and died for me asking me if I’d do the same for Him – was in a word shocking. But perhaps, the more shocking part came as I was confronted with the truth of my answer, which was no, not really.

The truth is I’d rather not be this honest and admit this sin. But the thing is more than likely most of you who know me are not that shocked. A quick look at my life, my choices, my words-will prove that I’m still trying to live the life I want, still trying to fix what I see as broken. I have been unwilling to give up the life I want and the one I want for those that I love. I’ve prayed, then immediately set out trying to “fix”, instead of trusting Jesus and giving Him time to do what He does best-life change. 

You want to know the thing that really really wrecks me though? Jesus gave up His life knowing we’d/I’d willfully choose sin over Him. John 13:3-5 “Jesus knew that the Father had given everything into his hands, that he had come from God, and that he was going back to God. 4 So he got up from supper, laid aside his outer clothing, took a towel, and tied it around himself. 5 Next, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet and to dry them with the towel tied around him.” You see Jesus washed ALL of the disciples’ feet – including Judas, the man who would betray Him only a few hours later. Just exactly like He died for each and everyone of us, all the while knowing that we too would betray Him. 

“I was found before I was lost, I was yours before I was not. Grace to spare for all my mistakes and that part just wrecks me”. (As You Find Me (Live) – Hillsong UNITED) These words from “As You Find Me” couldn’t be more perfect right now to describe the overwhelming feelings that came with “will you really lay down your life for me?”. Absolutely wrecked. A bit confused. And on my knees confessing my pride and unwillingness to lay down my life. 

Thankfully God does in fact have grace to spare and He gives it without reason. He did for Peter. God is an expert at life change and not even our sin can stand in His way. No, He uses all of our mistakes, choices, sin to grow us. Just look at Peter’s life. Yes he messed, but Jesus forgave, restored and then used Peter to start the Church.

What about you? Have you been willing to lay down your life for the One who died to save yours? Are you still trying to “fix” instead of trusting God completely? Or maybe you are saying – “Jesus, you can have all of me, except this one part over here. I’m gonna keep that because I really like it, or really want it”.

“Will you really lay down your life for me?” It’s a question we are all asked. What’s your answer?