Several years ago, when I first began this writing journey, one of the commitments I made was to always be honest and only share what and when I felt God was leading. That commitment is what leads me to share today. Although this time my sharing comes more in the form of a struggle in understanding God’s will versus something He has taught me and led me to share. And I’ll admit I’m a bit hesitant about posting this, even now. You see, I’ve taken a purposeful break from writing for the past several months. And now I sense that it’s either time to end the break or time to put this writing adventure on the back shelf for an indefinite period of time. The struggle is this – I can’t for the life of me, figure out which way God is leading! I’ve searched my mind and heart trying to figure out why I am and have been so hesitant to pick this back up. Even to the point of wondering if the break I was sure I needed, was me simply being disobedient? Maybe I’ve become too focused on the here and now and have forgotten that my job, my calling is bigger than this life? Maybe I’m just being lazy? Maybe it really is time for me to move on to something new and different? There are many questions and seemingly few answers.

Several days ago I was reading in John 6 when this verse caught my attention. John 6:60 says “Therefore, when many of his disciples heard this they said “This teaching is hard. Who can accept it?” Stick with me here because I know I’m taking this verse out of the context in which it was written, but if we are honest, oftentimes God’s teaching is hard! In this passage of John, Jesus is teaching that He is the bread of life, his disciples didn’t understand. They did not have the benefit, like we do,  of knowing the next piece of the story – Jesus’ death and resurrection. Of course it was confusing to them. Scripture goes on to tell us in John 6:66 that “many of his disciples turned back and no longer accompanied him”. Maybe it’s because I’ve been wrestling with this writing deal that these few verses have stuck in my mind, or maybe I’m just desperate enough for an answer that I’m trying to force everything I read into the direction I’ve been seeking? 

Whichever is true, I think we all can agree that God does indeed ask us to do hard things! And it would be pretty easy for us to act just as the disciples who “turned back”. Let’s face it, turning back or ignoring God’s call on our lives can seem easier. But on the flip side I have to wonder if we don’t make God’s leading and/or teaching hard because He is asking us to do something we don’t want to do. Personally, up to this point, this writing thing for the most part has come pretty easily to me. Always feeling like God gave me the words and desire to share some of the things He is teaching me. (Maybe I should clarify – the writing part came easily, the wrestling with God prior to the writing-not so much!) Could it be I’ve been avoiding writing again just because it’s gotten harder?

This past week I’ve started trying to run again, after taking close to a year off. My running break started out much like my writing one, out of necessity. What started out as taking time to recover from a serious illness, turned into weeks of making excuses and as time wore on it became easier just not to get up and hit the pavement. I’m not gonna lie – it has been HARD! Everything hurts, I have little stamina and have felt sure my legs weren’t going to hold me up. The funny thing though is I’m super glad and thankful that God has gotten me back out there. Which makes me kind of wonder if the same will be true this writing thing -hard to start again, but in the long run, with discipline, determination and the power of the Holy Spirit -so worth it?

Proverbs 16:18 says “Pride comes before destruction, and an arrogant spirit before a fall.” I know this seems like I’ve just made an abrupt switch of directions (welcome to the way my mind works), but trust me, the two thoughts do connect. Part of the reason I took the break from writing had to do with my pride. Somewhere along the line, I discovered that I had lost my focus. I found I was spending more time trying to get readers to “like” and/or “follow” the Captivated Hearts blog, than simply being obedient to share what God gave and taught. When I came to the realization that I was spending more hours figuring out to promote the name on social media and how increase name recognition than on actual study and writing, I knew I had a problem. So, at the time the easy answer seemed to be taking a break. Even in my break however, pride was continuing to win. The truth is I’ve made some promises and commitments, during this writing break, regarding some devotionals I was going to write because I felt I could produce a better product than those we have been using. Pride sucks! It just does. Humility, which, as Christ followers, is what we are called to, is much harder! Which brings us back to the original point – God’s teaching is often hard! 

Will I write or publish another blog after this one? Only God knows the answer. My desire is to take the time needed to refocus my ALL on Jesus. While balancing that with obedience to go and do wherever God leads. My deepest desire is to seek after God with my whole heart, as the Psalmist describes in Psalm 63. 

2 Timothy 1:9 “He has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to his own purpose and grace, which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began. And 1 Peter 1:13-16 “Therefore, with your minds ready for action, be sober-minded and set your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 14 As obedient children, do not be conformed to the desires of your former ignorance. 15 But as the one who called you is holy, you also are to be holy in all your conduct; 16 for it is written, “Be holy, because I am holy.” 

Thank you for taking the time to read, I appreciate you and pray that sharing my struggles will help you in your journey to follow Jesus with your whole life!