Psalms 51:3 “For I am conscious of my rebellion, and my sin is always before me.^”  Do you ever read a familiar passage of scripture and then get surprised by how much it just wrecks you? Personally, it seems to be happening more and more. Maybe it’s age, or maybe it’s just that my heart has been more open and willing to listen and learn from God than ever before. Whatever the reason, this verse from Psalms 51 absolutely wrecked me last week.

The reason? Pretty simple really -I am a rebel and have a rebellious heart. Most Christians would more than likely agree and say the same is true for them. We know Romans 3:23 “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.”. We get that we are part of that “all” and need Jesus to cleanse us from our sins, we understand that we are sinners saved by the grace of God alone. For me however, this rebellious attitude goes much deeper. It points to something well below the surface, something that has been well hidden and disguised for a long time. It is something that if I’m serious about addressing is going to take time and energy. It’s going to be hard and it’s something that I cannot do alone. It’s going to take God. Because the deeper issue is, not only am I rebel, but I like being thought of as a rebel! It’s actually something I take pride in and strive to be known for!

Those of you who know me might think at first that I’m being overly dramatic or ultra-sensitive. But I promise you I’m not. Truth be told, this idea of being a rebel has been on my mind for several months. It began when a friend told me she thought of me as a rebel. I don’t even remember how the topic came up, only the feeling of pride that welled up inside of me knowing that someone thought of me as a rebel. Yeah, I know it doesn’t make any sense! Being a rebel is something I joke about quite often, we even considered making t-shirts that say “#rebel”. “Rules are basically suggestions” and “it’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission” are things I say ALL the time. If there is a boundary, I will push against most of the time. And while other think I’m joking, let me assure you that I 100 percent am not joking!

Getting back to the scripture that punched me in the gut this week – Psalms 51 was written by King David, and it comes after he is confronted by the prophet Nathan, concerning his affair with Bathsheba and the murder of her husband.  To a certain extent this whole story line has always confused me. The Bible tells us that David was “a man after God’s own heart”. If that is true, then how in the world did he manage to get himself into this situation in the first place?! I mean he had to know what he was doing was wrong, right? That is the thing with sin though, we often can’t see in ourselves what others can clearly see as sin. We get prideful and start believing the lies the enemy tells us about things we are owed or deserve. And sometimes what begins with a small sin (not that adultery is a small sin) turns in to more and more sin to cover up the initial sin.

You are probably wondering about now, why this particular verse wrecked me so much? The Holy Spirit is the only answer I have. He brought several questions to mind, ones that I continue to wrestle with today; Why do I idolize rebellion? Why do I love to push against the system and break the rules? Why do I find it desirable to be known as a rebel? Why do I expect others to obey rules that I break? Am I really so prideful that I believe it’s ok for me to live this way? And possibly the most gut-wrenching of all -what damage have I done or am I doing to my witness for Jesus?

It can be helpful when you are stuck on a word or verse in scripture to look up the definition. Which is what I did with the word ‘rebel’. Here is what I found- According to Merriam Webster a rebel is defined as: “opposing or taking up arms against a govt. or ruler. To oppose or disobey one in authority and control; to renounce and resist by force the authority of one’s govt.; to act in or show opposition or disobedience to; to feel, exhibit anger or revulsion. Wayward, willful, defiant, contrary, disobedient, unruly”. Did you notice those words in bold?! We are not talking about rebellion against a government, boss, parent or anyone else – I have been rebelling against God. Just like David describes in verse 4 “against you -you alone -have I sinned and done evil in your sight”. It may be one thing to joke about being a rebel when it comes to silly things, like going in the exit or eating dessert first, but I never want to be known as a rebel or one who is wayward, willfully opposing or defiant against God!

The Tony Evans Bible Commentary explains it like this “David needed a radical transformation of his inner self so that he might learn wisdom and adopt God’s perspective on all things. We need the same. God doesn’t want mere external worship and sacrifice; he wants a humbled heart that is broken over personal sin. A casual relationship with sin, in fact, means no authentic worship of God. True worship requires that we give ourselves wholly to God without reserve. When God’s people come to him in true repentance, then he will show them favor and accept their worship.”. Did you catch those words right in the middle “a humbled heart that is broken over personal sin”? I have to be honest and say my heart is rarely that broken over my sin. In fact many times I know I’m sinning but choose to continue on anyway. Maybe that is exactly what happened to King David? The temporary pleasure or escape was all that mattered in the moment.

To be clear – I am not hiding some earth shattering or deeply disturbing sin. No my sin is more subtle and comes in the ways that seem harmless to many people. I am extremely prideful, I get jealous all the time, I’m lazy, I waste way too much time and money of things of this world, I gossip, I struggle with anger. I fail to ask God or others for help and when I do pray, I rarely wait for him to answer before I go off on my own and try to fix whatever. I judge others, I lack mercy and I’m a control freak. I could go on, but you get the idea. While all these sins seem fairly mild – they are nonetheless sin. And you know what – God hates sin! These things, that we often don’t even call sin, that have become so engrained in our behavior that we may not even recognize as sin, that have without us even realizing have become bad habits, separate us from God. And the more we sin the bigger and stronger that wedge between us and God becomes. I’m just gonna be honest and say – there is no way I can break these bad habits and stop these normal every day sins without the intervention of Jesus! I am far too weak. Which ironically is the whole point, as the apostle Paul points out in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 when he says “when I am weak then I am strong”.

Like I said, I continue to wrestle with these questions and why being rebel and known as one is attractive to me. The process to dig deep and allow God to root out the source of those feelings is going to take some time and focused attention, but one thing is for sure – I have to begin taking my sin seriously. The excuses and procrastination have to stop. In the words of King David “God, be gracious to me, purify me, cleanse me and create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit” (my paraphrase).