Stressed, anxious, on edge, restless, distant, distracted, lacking focus and follow through, generally off my game and out of sorts – all words I would use to describe myself these past few weeks. I wouldn’t say I’ve been in a bad mood, but also not in a good one. I’ve been exhausted, yet unable to really sleep or rest either. Perhaps the most troubling thing is that I haven’t been able to put a finger on why. Do you ever find yourself feeling this way? It’s like I’m constantly searching for something, but I’m not sure what.

Earlier this week I met with my counselor, thinking that it would help me process and shake this feeling. She made me take a walk, leaving my phone in her office. While it was hard, it was great and much needed! Along our walk she asked me pointed questions getting me to think about why I was feeling this way. Then followed up by asking me “what are a few simple things you can do today refocus and rest?”. For me these are things like listening to my music really really loud while I’m driving, getting out in the sunshine, and taking purposeful breaks to be alone. As I left her office and drove to work with my window down (yay spring!) and music blaring, I did feel something – I’m not sure how to describe it really – rest, relief, peace?

However, that feeling only lasted for about a day or so.  This morning I found myself still off – can’t really explain the feeling, just the same lacking of something. Frustration reigned as I struggled to make my way through the devotional I was reading, as well as the scripture associated with it. For whatever reason, it just wasn’t grabbing hold of me like I wanted it too. Realizing or maybe accepting that I needed help, I closed the books and just sat in silence and drank my coffee. At some point I began to pray “God I need some help here, I don’t know what or how, but I desperately need something. Will you please help?!” Another stretch of silence ensued, followed by a thought – what I’ve been missing is God! I’ve missed hearing him speak, missed feeling his presence, missed being near to him. It’s hard not to get discouraged because none of this is new, I know the answers and all the things I need to do – but it is so stinking easy for me to turn my attention to “things of this world” and in doing so move my attention and focus away from my Savior.

Thankfully God is oh so very faithful, just like it says in Lamentations 3:22-23 “his mercies never end and are new every morning”. So, as I sat there, still and quiet before my Father, the light, HIS LIGHT began to shine through once again. The answer to the longing restlessness I had been feeling was right here all along, in fact His words to me were sitting right there in my lap. So often I look for some human author to touch my soul, to make me feel something deep inside, when I should be looking to my Father and His words. I am not dogging on devotionals – there are some good ones out there, heck I even write for one. But the honest truth is none of them separately or combined will or can ever replace God’s word, His inspired written word contained in our Bible! The Bible and its pages are full and refreshing, like cool water on a hot day (Psalms 42:1-2), it can provide nourishment for our weary souls. The Holy Bible, God’s word, it’s where and how He speaks. But the thing is, we can’t read it alone! We have to ask for His help to lead and speak and provide understanding and insight. Without first seeking God, reading the Bible can easily become another check mark in our day, and will more than likely leave us feeling empty and restless.

Matthew 11:28-30 tells us “Come to me all who are weary and burdened and you will find rest for your weary souls”.  I wonder if I will ever learn this lesson that I seem to need to be reminded of time and time again? With renewed focus and an open heart, I opened God’s word. I read Isaiah 55:1-2 “Come all who are thirsty, come buy and eat! Stop looking for what does not satisfy”, Psalms 34:8  “Taste and see that the LORD is good!”. Psalms 27:1 “The LORD is the light of my salvation and my stronghold”, Psalms 18:28 “LORD, you light my lamp and illuminate my path” and finally Matthew 11:4 “Go and report what you see and hear”-which is why I write today!

For the first time in several weeks, I once again feel light and focused. Remembering that I have a choice is such a big part of living free and unburdened. It’s so simple and yet I make it so hard! I get to choose how I spend my days, what and who I say yes to, carrying my burdens or giving them to the One who is better able to carry them. Today I chose to spend the morning shopping with my girls, and my afternoon writing. There is a list sitting next to me, not a “to-do list”, but a list of people/things that feed my soul. Things like going for walks, catching up with friends over coffee, writing without a deadline, relaxing and allowing some things to wait and other things go.

I am thankful to serve and worship a God who is faithful to me even when I am not faithful to Him. I am thankful for His Word. I am thankful for quiet mornings where Jesus grabs ahold of my heart and sets my feet back on His path. I am thankful for Christian counselors that ask hard questions and make you take walks! I am thankful for warm sunshine and loud music! I am thankful for those restless days that pointed out my sin and drew me back to Jesus! As I plan for next week, it will begin with prayer and allow God to set my priorities and direct my steps because it’s the only way to ensure it will be different. I am confident He will lead me to schedule in time for soul refreshing people and things.  

**Scripture references are all my paraphrases