It’s been just over a week since I read the question. It was a normal Saturday morning, I had my coffee, Bible, journal and devotional book. It was early, I was the only one in our house awake. These early morning hours are my favorite, they are when I meet with God. I look forward to them, especially on Saturdays when I can spend as long as I want in this special place. Just Jesus and me (and sometimes our dog) hanging out. It is a time and space to just be with my Savior. I read, I pray, I study, and I try to listen. Sometimes God speaks clearly, sometimes I cry out to him for help, sometimes we just sit and listen to music, but on this particular day God brought the question.

After praying, and asking God to captivate my all, and focus my many wayward thoughts on him, I opened up the devotional –My Heart Cries Out by Paul David Tripp. On this day, the reading was entitled “Everyone Preaches”. The writing primarily focused on self-talk and how all of us do it pretty much all day. It ended with Matthew 6:33 “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.”. Then came the question –What are you searching for? This one simple question immediately brought deep conviction, dropping me to my knees. As I sat there, pondering this question and reading the verses before and after Matthew 6:33- more conviction came and God posed a second question -“are you searching for me or an answer”? Ouch!

While it’s hard explain, in that instant my sin was clear. It was surprising and painful, and the truth was, I was looking for answers- not God. The best analogy I can think of is that of being in a car accident. When car accidents happen they are surprising, something you weren’t expecting, they seemingly come out of nowhere and as soon as everything stops moving, you sit there for a minute or so trying to figure out what just happened. That is pretty much how I felt that morning. That one verse, one that I’ve read probably hundreds of times before, knocked the wind out of me and I sat there dazed and confused.

After a few minutes, I went back to Matthew and began reading again. A few verses later in Matthew 7:7-8 we read “ask and it will be given, seek and you will find”. By this time I was sure that I must not really understand the words in Matthew 6 and 7. So, I set off to prove myself wrong, or maybe in reality I was looking to find a defense or excuse for my actions. I looked up cross references and word definitions-both in English and the original Greek. Did I really understand what it meant to seek? What is the kingdom of God anyway? How do I go about doing these things on a daily basis? These are just a few of the questions that plagued my mind.

This question –what are you searching for, hit way too close to home. You see, I had just been praying that God provide me with some answers, so that I could make good decisions. Answers I felt I needed and honestly deserved. Not 15 minutes ago I had prayed for clarity, direction, wisdom. And now here I was getting deep conviction instead of answers. Just like after a car accident, I sat there asking myself “what just happened?”. Understanding began to take hold as I realized my sin- I had failed to seek God first. I don’t know exactly how long I spent hidden away in my secret place that morning, but it was several hours before deciding I needed a break and try to clear my head.

Taking a walk that afternoon allowed me some additional time to think and process. The problem was that even more questions filled my mind. Questions like:

Whose victory am I searching and working towards- mine or God’s?

When faced with a difficult choice, or situation, who do I run to first- God or someone else?

Do I seek God as much as I seek other things – entertainment, success, status, etc.?

Do I spend as much time in God’s word as I do on my phone, computer, tv, or books?

Do I seek restoration or God?

Knowing my answers to all these questions were wrong the question became -How do I change?

The next day, I sat down to write since it often helps me think and process. But questions continued to plague my thoughts. I really have no idea why I was having so much trouble understanding and/or accepting this conviction. Because here’s the deal – what I found in my research of words like: seek, search and kingdom of God, is that they mean exactly what you think they mean. Which meant I did understand and maybe it was that I didn’t want to admit or accept my failure, my sin. You see I’ve accused others of doing exactly what I had been doing – seeking what God provided instead of God, and not just once-but a lot! And now here I sat with a conviction that I didn’t quite know how to get through.

After becoming frustrated with my writing as well, I decided go ahead and search for God. Yes, I know-I’m stubborn. Do you ever feel silly about asking God questions? I do, I mean think about it “hey God, I know I need to seek you first, but have no idea how. Can you help me?” Yep, there is another sin bubbling up- pride in not wanting to ask for the help you know you need. Thankfully, we serve a good God and he graciously reminded me that scripture might be a good place to start. Praying again, I asked that God would lead me to understand. Then, I opened by Bible to Hebrews 3, since that’s where I have been reading and studying.

That’s when this amazing thing happened. I found God! And because He is so good- He also gave me the answer and clarity I had been seeking as well. Going back to the car accident analogy, it was like when the understanding that you have been hit comes into focus and your brain begins to function normally again, it’s then that you begin to process and move. Answers began to fall into place – when you devote your time to searching for God- you will find him and it’s there, in Jesus, that you’ll find the answers you need. It’s not wrong to pray for things like clarity, and direction but we must first seek God.

I don’t think I can adequately explain how specifically God answered me -but I am absolutely certain of how and where God directed me that day. I’ve hesitated in writing this, unsure of what and/or how much of this to share. Perhaps a bit unsure if I really fully understand and have processed through my sin. Last week, I trashed my well thought out schedule and instead spent quite a bit of time seeking and searching for God in his Word. I’ve spent time in several old and new testament books, reading and learning how and when God’s people sought him out. There is this one word that is present in all of the scripture I read –ALL. Time after time prophets, teachers and even Jesus says “if you seek him with ALL your heart, mind and soul-that’s when you find him”. We are called to seek God in ALL situations, and at ALL times, even and maybe especially when we think we know that answers. God used one simple question to knock me down so that I would truly and honestly seek him with my ALL.

As I mentioned I was hesitant to share this particular story, in fact promising myself I wouldn’t even sit down to write it out for at least one week. Today, I share out of obedience to the call God has placed on my life to share my failures, and hard lessons with others who may need them. I am humbled and honored to be his vessel, his daughter, and servant of Jesus. Sharing what God gives me is the least I can do. My continued prayer is that we all live our lives completely captivated by Jesus Christ, Son of God.

Love you all!