John 21:15-19– When they had eaten breakfast, Jesus asked Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said to him, “you know that I love you.” “Feed my lambs,” he told him. A second time he asked him, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” “Yes, Lord,” he said to him, “you know that I love you.” “Shepherd my sheep,” he told him. He asked him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved that he asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” “Feed my sheep,” Jesus said. “Truly I tell you, when you were younger, you would tie your belt and walk wherever you wanted. But when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands and someone else will tie you and carry you where you don’t want to go.”He said this to indicate by what kind of death Peter would glorify God. After saying this, he told him, “Follow me.”

This may be one of my favorite passages of scripture. It’s a passage that Jesus takes me to time and time again when I begin questioning my calling, doubting my abilities or involvement in ministry. These words have kept me from quitting many times. But up until now, I’ve read and understood these words to be more of a calling confirmation. Meaning that if I love Jesus, like I say I do-then I need to follow through and continue to serve in the places he has called me. Whether that is hanging out with Middle schoolers, leading High schoolers, taking time to really listen and love others, teach, write or wherever else he may lead. Caring for God’s flock looks different at different times and for different people. Sometimes it as simple as making the time to have a conversation with someone who is struggling, or taking a few minutes to pray with someone who is hurting. It occurs to me as I sit here and muddle through my thoughts, that it goes back to something God gave me a few months ago: Love God, love people and give God your best.

But this time a new learning came from this familiar passage in John – As sweet as restoration is, it comes with the knowledge that you have denied Jesus. I’m not sure why that piece of the puzzle never fell into place before, but today, it hits home in a real and powerful way. This conversation between Jesus and Peter is only necessary because Peter denied Jesus! Seriously, why I never picked up on this is dumbfounding, but God is God and he reveals and gives understanding in his way and his time. Denying Jesus can happen in many different ways and in many different circumstances. Peter point blank lied about knowing Jesus, but denial is not always so obvious. Sometimes our denial comes in more subtle ways, for instance: making the choice not to wait on God, or deciding “I’ve got this”, instead of praying, waiting and then following. These more subtle areas seem to be where I struggle most. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed about something, then almost immediately got up and started working on a plan. My development of a plan, not only shows my lack of faith, but also is a form of denial. It’s like I’m saying “it’s ok God, I know you are busy, so I’ll just go ahead and handle this”. Really, who do I think I am?! Spiritual growth comes as we begin to recognize sin for what it is-disobedience, denial, hurtful to God.

Being confronted with our sin is not a comfortable place to be, especially when you don’t realize it right away. It’s amazes me at times how God so clearly ties seemingly unrelated passages of scripture together. Part of what brought this new learning came from reading in 2 Samuel. 2 Samuel 24:1 says “The Lord’s anger burned against Israel again, and he stirred up David against them to say, “Go, count the people of Israel and Judah.”. A few verses later in verse 10, we read “David’s conscience troubled him after he had taken a census of the troops. He said to the Lord, “I have sinned greatly in what I’ve done. Now, Lord, because I’ve been very foolish, please take away your servant’s guilt.”. This is followed up by David making sacrifices for his sin. This confused me because I didn’t understand what David did that was so wrong. Why would God “stir David to count his troops”, if it was wrong? My search for clarification led me to the Tony Evans Bible Commentary-which I highly recommend by the way! Anyway, the understanding and gut punch came when I read his explanation of these verses “Satan had tempted David to meet a legitimate desire (to win Israel’s battles) by an illegitimate means (the number of his forces) rather than a legitimate means (relying completely on God). This is a reminder that we never sin in a vacuum. You may think that your sinful choices affect no one but you. But this is never correct. When we choose to sin, we leave spiritual harm in our wake-whether or not we see the results immediately.” The sudden realization that I had done the exact same thing as David and Peter quickly came! My battle and my troops only looked different than his.

Let me tell you a little bit about what’s been going over the past couple of months to explain where and how my realization of denial and need for restoration came from–

My husband hurt is back in late November, which led to a need for surgery. Due to some job changes we don’t have your typical insurance, which meant we were going to need to pay the surgeon’s portion $7300 up front. Additionally, my husband is currently doing contract work, which means if you don’t work- you don’t get paid. So not only were we looking at the surgeon’s bill, but also lost income from him not being able to work for two weeks. And oh yeah, let’s do this right before Christmas, at the same time property taxes and homes association bills are due. I don’t know about you, but we don’t have that much money just sitting in a bank account. So, we (mostly me) started trying to figure out how to come up with this money; everywhere from talking with our parents about possibly borrowing money to pulling money out of retirement accounts, to picking up second jobs. But God- well, He had a much different plan! Through a miraculous series of events and the amazing generosity of our friends and church family over the course of three days we were gifted enough money to cover not only the entire surgeon’s bill but also his lost income for two weeks! Plus, several gift cards to help with groceries and gas while he was not working. Honestly, I still have trouble really believing this actually happened! We are now post-surgery a couple of weeks and we are still being provided for through the generosity of our community. Humbled, blessed, honored – there are no words that describe the way God has graciously provided for our needs.

Do you see how this all interconnected in my head and heart?! Like king David, I was trying to take care of a legitimate need (medical bills), but doing so by illegitimate means (borrowing money) all the while not even consulting God for direction or help (denying Jesus, just like Peter). I was solely relying on myself to solve this problem. Which was sin, plain and simple. So, when God led me to the passage in John 21 and Peter’s sin that created his need for restoration, the flood gates opened. Not only did I gain a deeper understanding of these scripture passages but also a deeper understanding of the depth of my sin and its effect on others. Because I did in fact sin all over the place during this trial and like it or not, my choices were impacting others. Maybe not directly, but indirectly as they watched how poorly I handled this trial. I am beyond grateful that Jesus brought me to the place of conviction and restoration.

God is indeed good and works in ways I cannot even imagine! My hope and prayer is that you learn from my mistakes – don’t leave God out, but run to him.