I have a confession to make. I have been running from myself. Running from the woman God created me to be. Running from things I know I need, from memories I’d rather leave buried deep, from past disappointments, hurts, betrayals and pain. I guess somewhere deep inside I’ve known this for quite a while, but have found it easier to avoid and ignore rather than to sit and allow my Savior to truly free me. The words that follow are raw, honest, real and hard to put out into the world. However, they are completely necessary in order for me to stop running from the person God designed me to be and run towards the woman He is calling me to be.

A couple of months ago at the encouragement of a good friend I began seeing a counselor. It hasn’t been something I’ve wanted to talk about or even admit to just anyone. Mostly because it makes me feel weak and ashamed. I’m supposed to be the strong one, that’s who I have always been. The one that picks up the pieces and makes sure everyone is cared for. This way of living has created a load way too heavy for me to carry alone. And while I pray about these things regularly, I discovered that I needed additional help. Which is where my counselor comes in.

Do you remember that old circus act, where there is just one dude spinning a bunch of plates on tiny little poles and he alone is responsible for keeping them all spinning safely, at the same time? That is the best description I can come up with that explains the way I feel most of the time. While I’ve known this for quite some time, admitting it to another human being was difficult and freeing at the same time. Having a complete stranger nail my personality and point out some incorrect thought processes I rely on, in less than an hour was humiliating and humbling. Yes I know counselors are trained to do just that, but it doesn’t make it any easier to hear, especially when you have been trying to avoid and/or deny it for so long!

Past experiences, hurts and disappointments do play a part in this way of thinking and behavior. But when it comes right down to it, I and I alone have put these unreasonable expectations on myself and bought into the lies and sin on which this sort of bondage is built. You see somewhere along the way I started believing that I have to do certain things and be a certain type of person in order for someone, anyone to honestly love the real me. Not only that, but over time, I attached these same beliefs and incorrect thinking to God’s love. Wrongly thinking God is like us humans and will eventually disappoint me unless I constantly prove my worth and worthiness.

Tracing this incorrect thinking back to it’s origin has been painful and brought up memories that have been deeply buried and hidden safely away for a good part of my life. Most of them memories I never thought or understood colored my thinking about love, worth and being unwanted. It’s has brought many tears and filled quite a few journal pages. And while it would be super easy to place blame on others, I have to take responsibility for myself. I am the one that chose to believe these lies and allowed them to own me all these years. (See what I did right there? Without even thinking I am adding to my sense of failure and shame by believing I should have known better.) That is what makes this so hard! Changing the way I think, who I listen to, stopping long enough to recognize the lies that I’ve listened to and believed for years is hard!! 

Thankfully however, with the help of a Christian counselor I am starting to see and learn things about myself and how I think, process and live that are unhealthy and simply wrong. For instance, over the past several years (honestly, it’s probably more like 20 years), I have learned to quickly adapt to and become the person I think those around me need and want as a way to fit in, be included and earn love. The problem, other than being a big faker is that once you fall into this role, it’s hard to break free. Because at some point my self-imposed expectations of who I need to be, become the expectations of those around me. After all, the people around you only know “the you”, you put on display for them to see, not the real honest you.

This is where I find myself today. For the first time in a long time really seeing, understanding, accepting and confessing my sin. Yes, it is sin, since I’m allowing others to assign value and worth to me instead of simply accepting and fully, deep down believing that I am worthy just as I am-simply because I am a daughter of God. Jesus loves me, right here, right now even in my brokenness, shame, disappointment and hurt. There is no way I can earn anymore of His love than I already have. And guys the thing is- I know this, I tell other people these things all the time, I grew up in a church, I’ve been a Christian most of my life. But we have such a crafty and conniving enemy that sneaks in lies and half truths until one day you wake up to discover you have lost sight of the real you, the you God created and desires you to be. I’m finding that the advice I give so easily is incredibly hard to take for myself. This is a lifelong journey and the only one who has the right, wisdom and authority to judge is Jesus.

This entire exercise and experience terrifies me! It requires me to let go and give up control, to give up the idea that I even can or need to be in control. It requires me to admit hard truths, like: I am not strong but desperately weak, I fear being alone and left out, I fear disappointing my family and friends. I fear allowing my grown children to be who they were created to be, and watch them fail and fall as they try to figure that out. I fear letting go of the comfortable facade that most people know. It requires me to completely and totally trust God, with absolutely everything and everyone in my life. Saying the words “I trust you God” is so much easier than actually living out that trust day in and day out. It means no more manipulating, no more working for the sake of being noticed or earning respect, no more pretending, no more running and hiding the real me. 

Without God and the people He has placed in my life there is no way I’d be able to stop running. There is a popular song by Need to Breathe that is getting quite a bit of air play these days. The title is Who I am. There is this one line “somehow You really love, who I really am”, these words hit a place deep inside of me. There have been many days I listen to this song on repeat allowing it soak deep into my soul. God is the only One who truly and deeply knows the real Lori, and somehow, someway He loves me in spite of who I really am- failed, flawed, broken and afraid. Accepting that kind of pure and honest love is hard for me. But the thing is, I also recognize my deep need because I’m exhausted trying to earn it by being who I think I need or should be in order to receive it.

Writing is one of the few places where I allow myself (the real me) to be vulnerable and real without fear. And it is because I firmly believe God puts the words on my heart to share.  The next step for me is to allow more people to see and know the real me. While reminding myself (probably hourly) that it’s going to take time. This way of thinking and living has been part of me a long time and there are many bad habits that need to be broken. But I have a faithful God! I have no idea how that will look and who will even notice and that is okay. For the first time in a long time I truly believe that!

While I’ve not shared specific scripture that has spoken to me through this process, there have been many. This discovery of who I really am, has been driven by God every step of the way. He has kindly and gently convicted me and confronted me with the needed and necessary truth at just the right time. God loves me and fights for me every single day and nothing can ever change that. He does the same for you! You might be wondering why out myself or share any of this today? There are a couple of reasons- first and foremost, I desperately want and need to stop running from myself and be the woman God created me to be. And while that terrifies me, I know for sure it is what God is asking of me. Plus I really do believe that most of my family and true friends will walk beside me through this journey. They might even love the real me and hopefully I can get to a  place where I can simply accept their love of me for who I really am! Secondly, I am convinced I am not the only one out there who has this struggle. God gave me this platform and audience to share my journey to encourage others. So my hope and prayer is that if this is you, you will be encouraged to discover the real you- the one God created you to be.

P.S. This was actually written several weeks ago. I have been waiting for God’s timing and direction to share this beyond my family. Today I share out of obedience to my Savior. Maybe He had me wait so I can share this next part- I can honestly say, over the past few weeks I have felt so much peace and freedom I don’t even have the words to describe the lack of weight I carry with me every day. Guys, this joy is from God and Him alone! He is very faithful!