What is it that I really want out of this life? What does God want for me in this life? What does God require from me in this life? What is my mission at this time of my life? Not someone else’s that I jump onto because it seems cool or exciting. Not something I do, just because it’s easy, safe or seems right. But the God given, God directed, God inspired mission for my life. I long to know the answer to these questions. There have been times or seasons in my life when I was absolutely sure I was doing what God had called me to. But this is not one of them. Maybe it’s my age, the age of my children (now adults), the imminent ending of another season of ministry with my High School seniors. Or could be due to change of seasons, for whatever reason I always seem to get more introspective when springtime is near. 

These are some of the questions that run through my mind. More so lately than at other times. This morning I was supposed to wake up in Manta Ecuador and worship with friends and students in a much warmer part of our world. But like so many others this week, our plans were drastically changed. Instead I woke up in my own home to a cool and dreary day and watched our church service online.  I’ll be honest enough to say I’ve spent the last several days being angry and disappointed that our trip was cancelled. One of the reasons I was so looking forward to this trip was that I had hoped to spend some good quality time pondering these questions, talking with people I trust and respect while taking some time away from the ordinary in Ecuador. (And yes, I know and confess my personal and selfish desires are not good reasons to take a mission trip.)  But here is the reality -Even though plans did not work out as planned or hoped, I can still take time for this desired and even necessary pondering, praying and seeking God. I can still seek out and talk with those trusted and respected friends. The undeniable truth is that God has given me the time and space I was looking forward to. Not in the place I hoped for, not in the weather I hoped for, not in the way I had hoped. But nonetheless – I suddenly have even more free time than expected or quite frankly even wanted. 

As I sit here trying to figure out where and how to begin, looking for ways to avoid the introspection, that I can only assume will be difficult and painful, I acknowledge I’m kind of at a loss.  It would be easier in many ways for me to fill my schedule and days back up with stuff (spring cleaning, home improvement, reading, etc.). There is a chance that my writing today is partly an attempt at that avoidance. Does writing help me process and think? Without a doubt. But if I’m honest, it is so easy for me to switch gears in my head and make this more about putting out a blog post instead of simply working through this place with God. 

There have been a few passages of scriptures that seem to keep coming to my mind, and I trust that this is the Holy Spirit leading me so that is where I will begin my seeking.  They are:

 

• 2 Corinthians 12:6-10: For if I want to boast, I wouldn’t be a fool, because I would be telling the truth. But I will spare you, so that no one can credit me with something beyond what he sees in me or hears from me, especially because of the extraordinary revelations. Therefore, so that I would not exalt myself, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to torment me so that I would not exalt myself. Concerning this, I pleaded with the Lord three times that it would leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness.”Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me.  So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and in difficulties, for the sake of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

• Matthew 11: 28-20 “Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take up my yoke and learn from me, because I am lowly and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” 

• Psalms 46:10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

• 2 Chronicles 7:14 “and my people, who bear my name, humble themselves, pray and seek my face, and turn from their evil ways, then I will hear from heaven, forgive their sin, and heal their land.”

 

These seemingly unconnected scriptures all point to the fact that God is God and I am not. They each point to God being able, being in control, being enough. They also remind me to stop. Stop trying, stop achieving, stop striving, stop picking up and carrying burdens that are not mine. In a way – they are all about giving up control and letting God be God and trusting Him.

Several months ago, I began praying “Jesus, be my reason, be my why and be my how.” Not knowing where it would take me, but knowing or sensing that something needed to change. Sitting here today I  have no idea where God will lead me and there is a chance that the “thing” that needs changing is me. When I think and pray about the questions above, one thing is for sure-this life I live is not mine. God put me here. He created me, with the gifts and abilities He chose and desired. He placed me in this city, community, and church. And try as I might, fight as I might, push against it as I might at the end of the day God will still win. He is the One able to carry the burdens. He is the One that offers sufficient grace. He is the One I humble myself before and He alone provides the ability and desire to be still and allow Him to be God. 

The questions I began with remain unanswered today, but at the same time I am confident that it will be a mistake if I do not take the time and space God has provided me to seek Him and His direction for my life moving forward in this next season. This week I will carve out time and space to earnestly seek Him -getting on my knees, humbling myself before God. Asking the Holy Spirit to keep me still and listen. And to fill me with the courage to follow and go where He directs.

If you happen to be one of those people I often call on to hold me accountable, know that I need that accountability once again. So, please hold me to this commitment!