Sharing what I’m about to share is scary. The following is a couple of pages from my journal this weekend, following a rough end to my week. I thought about sharing it yesterday, but then pretty much decided not to, until going to church today. The sermon was about figuring out the one thing you can’t not do. And the thing is- I knew when the following words flowed so easily yesterday morning that they were not mine, but Gods. After all that is why I started writing in the first place – to share what God laid on my heart to share for His glory and His purposes. So, I will be obedient and trust that someone other than myself needs these words. 

1/18/20:  It’s Saturday morning. I’m up early. The house is quiet and dark, with the exception of my little space. There is something special about this time of morning. It’s honestly one of my favorite things. My mind wanders to later today, next week, next month and beyond. All of that wandering and wondering creates anxiety deep inside me. I can feel the nervous energy building up. I hear the Spirit whisper God’s promises to me- “don’t worry about tomorrow, I’ve got it covered. Stay here with me, right now, today.” I think about where and why the anxious feeling comes and realize it comes from my lack of control and knowledge about the future. All I can see is what went wrong this past week, the stressors, altered plans and unexpected expenses. 

The thought occurs to me: where are your eyes and heart when you focus on these things? Not in the correct place, that much is sure. They are focused on myself and the little idol of Lori I have built in my heart. It’s that idol that tells me “I’m more important than anyone else. I’m smarter, I’m entitled, I deserve better. My needs and wants should always come first. And if it doesn’t happen my way, then it’s wrong.” I could go on, but doing so only allows that idol to remain in control. It keeps my eyes and focus off my Father, which is where they should be centered. It distracts. It manipulates. It lies. It (the idol of me) is what creates the anxiety I feel building up inside. 

There is that whisper again – saying – “Just stop.

Breathe. 

Deep breaths – in and out, slow and steady. Keep your eyes on Me. I’ve got you”

I close my eyes and pray, asking for help. Begging God to destroy the idol of me.

But at the same time do so only do so half-hardheartedly. Because years of experience tells me that the idol destruction I know I need, will be painful. And I wonder – is it really worth it? I see others living their lives with their idols and them seem happy. Everything seemingly going their way. The Spirit’s whisper comes again “I have chosen you and set you apart. I have called you to walk the higher, narrow road. Why won’t you just trust me?” Well God, it’s because I’m spoiled and I want my way. Why can’t I live the American dream and walk with you? “Come on, you know you can’t serve two masters. You must choose.” 

I am reminded that God is bigger! And I don’t have to be in control-because He is.  I look out the window at the sound of the cold wind blowing. The day just beginning to dawn. The tree branches are blowing back and forth and then stop. It reminds me in that instant that even the wind obeys God. Some of those anxious thoughts give way to hope. 

I can hope because – God is bigger than my fears. Even of the unknown.

Bigger than unexpected expenses. 

Bigger than interrupted plans and unwanted snow days. 

Bigger than all my disappointments. 

Bigger than all the financial stress I feel.

The God I serve is the doer of the impossible. The way maker.

I am not here on accident, but on purpose. In fact I was created by God, for God. I am loved by God. I am a child of God. 

So many truths that I so easily forget apply to me.

I go back to sitting quietly, this time allowing God and stillness of the morning to wash over me and fill me up with Himself. Washing away all the anxiety and fear. In a moment of boldness and obedience I ask Him to go ahead and destroy the idol of me. Because I know I will not walk alone, but with the Creator of the entire universe. 

Music ministers to me, so I open Spotify and the song “It is well with my soul” plays. I know this is not an accident, because I didn’t choose it. The song reminds me that even though I feel pushed around and beat down- God still reigns. He is right here with me, reminding me of who He is and that He is more than able. I am never alone, because He is my helper. 

Jesus, I know these are your words and I pray that they will be used by You for your purposes and your glory. Thank you for the opportunity to share You with others!

Here are a couple of links –

It is Well on Spotify

https://open.spotify.com/track/5t0izTLPeWYLiIfHPJbORJ?si=o_OQdin6QM-ukK3bXnvGKA

And Psalms 118 from Bible Gateway. 

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalms+118&version=CSB