A week ago I made a commitment to a good friend and accountability partner to spend some time writing today.  At that time, my plan was to work on a book idea that’s been rolling around in my head for a while now. As I sat down to fulfill that commitment, I found myself just sitting and staring at the blank page and blinking cursor.  Almost on impulse I put away the laptop and pulled out my journal and a pen, and just began to dump out the contents of my mind. Several journal pages and a few hours later, I once again find myself sitting here in front of my laptop unsure about where this will lead.  

It seems that my writing is plagued by the inability to make a decision and choose a direction. It’s crippling. I never set out to be a writer. I firmly believe that it is a God given desire. But now, days and weeks go by and I remain stuck. It seems that the same God given desire to write is now is now crippling me. Why? What changed? Why can’t I seem to get “unstuck”? That last question led to an even harder question that I need to answer and it is – am I happy or content being stuck? 

Could it be fear? And if so what am I afraid of? Fear of failure? Fear of asking for help? Fear of being judged? What if I invest time and energy only to get rejected? Or maybe my “stuckness” is due to laziness? Maybe I don’t really want to put in the time and energy necessary to become a writer? Maybe this wasn’t really a God given desire or calling, but just a random idea of my own making? So many questions, what if this and what about that, all of them screaming in my head “pay attention to me!”. Honestly, it all makes me want to run away and hide. Here is the hard truth – Lack of action is making the choice to stay stuck. Yes, there are some things that are completely out of my control, but there are also lots of things in my control. And putting regular effort into something I feel called to do, is one of those things. 

The song “You have called me higher” has been playing in my head all morning. The first few lines are: 

“I could just sit

I could just sit and wait for all Your goodness

Hope to feel Your presence

And I could just stay

I could just stay right where I am and hope to feel You

Hope to feel something again” 

This is exactly how I feel. It is safe here. I know what to expect. And while I don’t love the place I’m stuck, it’s tolerable. I’ve been here a long time. the rules and routine are familiar and comfortable. The bad habits are deeply rooted, which makes it easy to just stay stuck. Honestly it’s not that I can’t change, but I don’t really want to. Lately, I have been unwilling to put in the work and effort. And that is sin, pure and simple. 

 “But You have called me higher

You have called me deeper

And I’ll go where You will lead me Lord” 

Believing these words forces me to take action. Not for myself but for my God. We can’t stay stuck and follow God. I have to move in His direction and lift my focus from myself to Him. You cannot expect to reap rewards without doing the work. It’s kind of like training for a marathon. You don’t just wake up one day and decide to go run 26 miles. You train for weeks and months prior. The reward of crossing that finish line is made sweeter knowing the effort that it took to get there. 

I don’t have the answers or a plan for changing. In fact there might even be more questions. But what I do have is hope and confidence in knowing that I am never alone. My Savior is right here with me, waiting and willing for me to decide to get up and follow Him. He will remain through all the hard work, failed attempts and disappointments. He will also be here if success comes. Psalms 46:1-2a says “God is our refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble. Therefore we will not be afraid,”

That truth is something I need to be reminded of every single day. God is way bigger than me. And He can make ways I can’t even imagine. Here is another fact – I  have good friends that can be counted on to keep me accountable for making the effort and taking necessary steps to follow God’s leading. The first step, posting this blog and making a commitment to write again next week.