Last week was rough, honestly it completely sucked! I’m not trying to be overly dramatic, just completely open and honest. A little context, without going into too much detail-my husband got some bad news about a potential job. You see, 3 ½ years ago he was laid off from his job of 28 years. Since that time, while he has worked for numerous companies, they have all been temporary or contract work. When the possibility of conversion from a contractor to full time employee at his current assignment came up, we once again allowed our hopes to rise. Then last week, we found out last week that yet again the answer was no. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are people reading this with much bigger issues and problems. And while, God has been faithful to provide for our needs every single step of the way, it doesn’t change the anger, frustration, hurt and resentment I felt crashing in around me last week.

I’ll be the first to admit I didn’t handle this latest news well. I lashed out at pretty much everyone I came into contact with including God. The last thing I wanted to do was pray, read my Bible or even go to church. But I did, mostly out of habit and schedule, more than desire. As time went on, I started to feel some better, but still felt confused and frustrated. Over the weekend, I was able to talk to a good friend, who sat and listened, asked questions and prayed for me and my family. Having good friends to walk beside you and realizing who those friends are has been an unexpected blessing over these past few years. Another realization I’ve come to is that there is no way you can understand what this experience is like unless you have walked through it for yourself.  With that realization comes the belief that one day, this experience will allow us to minister to someone else walking through a similar situation. Having walked through it ourselves will give us the ability to truly understand and empathize. But believing there is a reason doesn’t take away the pain and hurt. It’s safe to say I would have done pretty much anything last week to take away the disappointment and hurt my husband felt.

Because of a snow day today, my schedule allowed me to spend some extra time in silence and solitude. As I sat and just listened I was prompted to read Psalms 23, which I am supposed to be reading every morning and every night for 30 days for a Bible study. I’ve struggled being consistent in this task, due to my attitude as of late. But, as I read this morning and let the words sink in, I was confronted with the idea of having God as my shepherd. If I really believe the words in verse 1 “The Lord is my Shepherd, I have all I need”, then I have to admit that there is never a time that I don’t have want I need. Because I always have God with me. He will never let me go, no matter how hard I push and pull away, He has promised to never let me go. Which gave way to a question – If I had to choose between Jesus and a job for my husband which would I choose. Last week, I’m 95% sure I would have chose the job. That was a hard realization to accept. But I so desperately wanted to stop the pain, I would have done most anything. What this told me was that somewhere deep in my head and my heart I have been believing that a job will fix everything. And that is simply a lie. Certainly a job would help our family in many ways, but a thing can never fix everything. The only real fix is Jesus. Confronting and realizing the depth of my sin has been hard and painful. But necessary.

Several weeks ago, I started praying everyday for a miracle to happen in our lives. In my mind that miracle is a full time job for my husband, along with complete restoration of his salary and self confidence. Again being completely honest, that is all I wanted. No other miracle would do. But, you see, miracles come in all shapes, sizes and ways. My inability to see past what I want and what I think is best is nothing but selfish pride. And today I am grateful to have a Good Shepherd that refuses to let me wander off, without coming after me and gentling nudging me back to where I belong, safe in His care.

So, let me leave you with this question – Which would you choose, Jesus or_____________? It may not be a job for you, but healing, a boy/girlfriend, or a spouse. Maybe it’s financial independence, a house, a car, or a certain position or title, etc.. This list could go on and on. We all have that one thing we long for and there is nothing wrong with that. However, we have to confront and acknowledge our sin if that thing becomes more important to us that our Savior. Maybe you too, should think about joining me in reading Psalms 23 for the next 30 days.