Most mornings I start my day reading My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. As I was telling some friends this past week I have a love/hate relationship with this book. I love it because it’s deep and often convicting and hate it for the same reasons. It speaks to me like few other books have in the course of my spiritual journey. This past week, several of the readings have been related to complete surrender. I can’t even tell you how many times I have said to God “here it is, take it all”. Only to find out, I’m really not letting go of everything, there always seems to be another layer, a deeper level where I am still tightly clinging to my way and my will.

This week’s conviction came in relation to my writing. When I began this blogging adventure, I did so because I felt that God had called me to share my learning with others. Writing had never been something I even considered before God laid it on my heart. So, I set out on this adventure. Here is where the problem comes in. The enemy is sneaky and all he needs is a sliver of doubt to worm his way into our thinking. It’s often so subtle, we don’t even notice it.

Somewhere along the way, I made this blog and writing about me and what I wanted. What I realized this week is that I continue try to fit God’s calling into my ideas and understanding. It’s easy to get off track by thinking and listening to those subtle lies the enemy whispers: “this isn’t working, it’s too hard or you’re not reaching people or making a difference”, etc.. But the problem is that I know for sure God has called me to write. So when I decide it’s too hard or not enough or whatever, I am being disobedient. 

This realization got me thinking about what it looks like to completely surrender to God. Here are a few things that I came up with:

• Surrender has to be daily, sometimes even hourly. We must consciously choose to surrender. And it’s more than just my will, it’s also my understanding. It’s much easier to surrender when we can see and understand why and how. Faith is believing without seeing or understanding. 
• We also must surrender to not caring what other people think. Obedience to God’s calling has to be our first objective. Others, even those we deeply care about, may not understand. What matters is that I’m being obedient to God If they can’t understand or think we are wasting our time. Isaiah 55:8 says ” For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not my ways.” 
• Stick with it even on the hard days. Faith comes again here. Some days, for whatever reason, it is easy to let go of everything this world offers and completely lay down our will. Other days, it’s like fighting an uphill battle every step of the way. Those are the days we need to lean in closer to God and allow Him to fight for us. Surrender is partially about dependence on God. I can’t, but Jesus can!

Complete surrender is scary. It means giving up control. It means acknowledging that what we want or hope for may not be God’s plan for us. I’m still trying to work this out in my life and heart and I am sure I will fall short more than I care to. But today I am choosing to stop making excuses, put in the time and effort required to obey my calling and to exercise the gifts God has given me. Surrendering my will and my way and praying just as Jesus did “not my will, but yours be done.”