The blog that you are about to read is something that I wrote a little over a week ago.  I have been unsure about sharing this with anyone other than my husband, as it is extremely personal.  When I started this blogging adventure, my desire was to be transparent, honest and real about the things God was teaching me.  My hopes in doing so are to bring glory and honor to God, while hopefully helping others out there who might be struggling with something similar.  With that original goal and calling in mind I have decided to move forward and share this with you all.  To be clear, my husband has read this and is support of my decision.

According to Merriam-Webster, the word “Forgive” means – To give up resentment or claim to retaliation or compensation;  Cease to feel resentment against;  To give up vengeful feelings;  To pardon or excuse;  To stop feeling anger towards, stop blaming someone.

This week I came to a realization – I have been carrying around some un-forgiveness for quite some time now.  I’m not even sure I realized it fully until today.  But I cannot deny it.  I have failed to forgive someone I love dearly.  I thought I had, I’ve even said the words “I forgive you.”  But, I have not really meant it.  Looking at the definition of the word  ”forgive”, it’s clear to me now that I am still carrying around resentment, blame and vengeful feelings.  Regardless of the “wrong” being real or just what I perceive, I have these feelings.  And if I’m honest, I’ve had them for close to two years now.  There are times when I’m able to push them aside and bury them.  But then, something happens and I go right back to where it all started, that’s when I pull out my shovel and dig up everything I’ve buried.

My story begins two years ago, almost exactly.  That was the day my husband called me from work telling me he was being laid off.  Everything changed in that instant.  At first my resentment was towards his company (where he had worked for 28 years).  Then it moved outward towards his boss and co-workers, who were supposed to have his back.  But as time went by and a new job didn’t come, resentment and blame towards my husband started to build.  I’m not even sure I realized it was happening at the time.  I was constantly sure that this next job interview would be the one and everything would go back to “normal”.  But months and months went by, no jobs came.  And the anger and resentment towards my husband built.  You see I blamed him for this predicament we were in.  I blamed him for being too picky about jobs, be it for location, the work itself, etc..  I felt he wasn’t trying hard enough, doing enough, understanding how desperate our financial situation was getting.  Sure we talked about it from time to time, but we never really got deep enough to dig up and deal with all of what had been buried.

The word of God calls us to forgive.  I could list lots of verses that address this topic:  Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us; If a brother strikes you, turn your check so that he can strike that one as well; you wicked servant- I forgave you, how could you not forgive your brother; etc. (all paraphrased).   God has forgiven me; I am called to forgive others.  Seems simple enough right?  But in reality it’s just not.  It is easy to say the words “I forgive you”, it is much, much harder to say the words and truly mean it deep down.  If I go back to the definition, true forgiveness means I have to give up those feelings, not bury them only to dig them back up in a few days or weeks – but to give them up entirely.  That means I have to let them completely go, never to be brought up again.  That is hard!

Here is the other thing that is hard with forgiveness.  Sometimes the person you need to forgive hasn’t done anything wrong.  This situation was not my husband’s fault.  He didn’t create it or want it any more than I did.  It was something that just happened to him.  But, my perception was that he was to blame, because you have to blame someone right?  Isn’t that how life works- bad things happen, someone has to be held responsible, so you place blame.  It’s easier really if you blame someone else.

It wasn’t my plan to sit down and write about forgiveness this morning, but none the less here I am.  Yesterday was really bad.  I was flat out mean to my husband, I yelled, I said hateful and hurtful things.   All because of a silly little issue that didn’t go the way I wanted.  I pulled out my shovel and dug up all that had been buried and threw it back at him yet again.  It wasn’t pretty.  I deeply regret my actions and my words.  If I could take them back I would, but that’s not how it works.  So, here I am.  Ironically, stuck at home because of the stupid car issue that was the source of the digging up this go around.  If I had transportation I more than likely wouldn’t be here.  God works in mysterious ways.  You’d think I’d learn that.  Anyway, back to the point- I had it out with God this morning.  I told him I was done, I was tired, I was angry, etc.. I cried A LOT (I hate to cry!).  Once I got it all out, and I begged God to speak to me so clearly that I could not deny it was Him.  I opened my Bible to Matthew 18.  I’ve been reading Matthew for several weeks now.  Chapter 18 covers several topics, but the one that hit home begins in verse 21, with the story of the “Unforgiving Servant”.  As I read through these verses it became abundantly clear that I was the unforgiving servant in this story.  God has forgiven me greatly, and yet I had been unwilling to forgive my husband.  This caused more tears-ugh!  But, that’s how conviction and true repentance works sometimes.

All of that to say that real forgiveness is hard!  It takes time and effort and at times uncomfortable honesty.  However, I strongly believe it’s worth it.  Not only because we are called to do so, but carrying a shovel around with you, constantly digging up and reburying is stuff exhausting!