I cried today.  I hate to cry.  I especially hate to cry in front of other people.  In my mind it’s a sign of weakness and lack of control.  I want to be strong.  I want to be in control.  I want to feel like I have it all together.  And have others to think of me that way.

Regardless, I cried today.  I cried because my baby girl just graduated from high school and I can’t bear the thought of her moving off to college.  I cried today for my friend whose husband lost his battle with cancer this week.  I cried for their four children.  I cried today because of my husband’s job situation.  Even though he lost his job over a year ago, it feels like yesterday.  The wounds are fresh and we deal daily with the consequences it has brought our family.  I cried because I fear our family will not recover from this loss:  Financially, emotionally, relationally and spiritually.  I cried today because I fear he won’t get this job, and I don’t know how many more disappointments our family can take.  I cred to today for innocence lost by poor decisions and choices.  I cried today because of the deep hurt that “friends” have caused me and my family.  I cried today for my friends who have not only lost their two young sons to a horrible disease, but also the two little girls they had been fostering for the past 18 months.  I cried today because my feet hurt.  I know it’s silly, but it seems like I can’t seem to catch a break physically, there is always something wrong with my body.

I cried today because I am disappointed in myself.  I cried today because at times I feel utterly alone.  I cried today because I am tired of being the strong one (Ironic, I know since I want to be strong).  I cried today because I’m tired of being the responsible one.  I cried today because I am so very tired from carrying the burdens of those I love.  I cried today because I have no idea where to go for help.  I cried today because I don’t want help.  I want to be strong enough to do it on my own.  I cried today because I don’t have the answers that others so desperately seek.  I cried today because I just want some good news for a change.  I cried today because I don’t understand why the answer is always no! I cried today because I need help, yet don’t want to ask for it.  I cried today because I am tired of submitting.  I cried today because I want my way.

The thing is I know who to go to for help.  I know the One who is strong enough to carry all these burdens.  I know that I am never alone.  I cried today because I can’t seem to fully let go and completely surrender everything to my Savior.

I am contemplating getting a tattoo.  I have a large scar on my calf from some surgery I had last summer.  I keep putting it off and not for the reasons you might think (pain, money, my family is against it, etc.).  The design I have picked out is a cross with the words “sufficient grace” running along one side it, and 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 along the other side.  The scripture is from passage where the apostle Paul is pleading with God to remove a “thorn in his flesh”.  God’s response is “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”.  Paul goes on to say that he is not only content but that he will boast about his weakness for the sake of Christ.  This is why I am hesitant.  How can I permanently mark my body with a proclamation of sufficient grace when I can’t live it out daily?

You see, I know I should turn to Jesus.  I know I should be allowing him to use my weaknesses.  I know I should be asking Him for wisdom, clarity and direction.  I know I should be content.  But if I’m going to be honest, I have been avoiding Him.  I have simply been going through the motions of a quiet time for the last several days.  But that is all it has been, a ritual, something to check off my “to do” list.  I have not quieted myself enough to simply listen and really connect, to honestly open my heart and soul to Him.  Why?  I am stubborn and I want my way, I want to do it myself.  Insert a picture of a toddler throwing a fit because they want “that” thing here.  I’m sure you get the idea.

The truth is God’s grace is sufficient for me.  The truth is that my weakness is His strength.  The truth is He is God and I am not.  The truth is that life moves and changes and I have to trust His plan and purposes.  The truth is that I would not be here today, if not for God’s love and grace.  The truth is I am not in control, nor should I be.  The truth is God has this- ALL of it, even when I don’t understand or agree.  The truth is He is able to carry the burdens much better than I.  The truth is He alone is my Rock, my Help, my Strength.  The truth is I need to get back into the habit of scheduling time to be quiet before God.  The truth is its okay to rest and I need to make time for it.

The truth is I hate to cry, but today I think it was necessary.  I needed to admit my great need.  I needed to confess and acknowledge my pride.  I needed to be broken, so that forgiveness and healing can begin.  I needed to stop avoiding the only One who can truly help.  I needed to be forced to lay down everything before Jesus.  I needed to stop and just rest in my Savior and God.