It has been a while since I wrote.  I’m not really sure why.  Writer’s block maybe or maybe because I don’t want to write about what God has been prompting me to write.  When I started this adventure I promised I would be honest.  And well, let’s face it; there are just some things that are just hard to understand, hard to want to share, just plain hard.  It’s really kind of weird, I keep putting “writing” on my To Do List, thinking that somehow that will be the thing that makes me sit down write.  I want to, but something is standing in my way.  So, since I have the house to myself for a couple of hours this afternoon, this seemed like a good time to just start writing and see where we end up.

Working in student ministry, I am routinely surprised by how frequently God uses the lessons I’m supposed to be teaching students to point out sin in my life.  Since it keeps happening I’m not sure why I’m still taken back when it does, but I am.   For the last month, we have been discussing generosity and giving of ourselves in student community groups.  These lessons have been hard for me.  Let me be honest here.  If you had ask me a year ago, I would have thought and told you I felt like a pretty generous and giving person.  We have always tried to be faithful with our tithe, we have tried to support people going on mission trips, we have given to various charities and organizations, we sponsor a child through World Vision, etc.. But my understanding and thinking on the subject has changed.  2 Corinthians 9:7 tells us:  “Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”  Here is where the problem comes for me, I give out of duty and responsibility, not because I can or want to.  In fact, I can’t honestly say I’ve ever been a cheerful giver.  Sure maybe there have been a few times when I was truly glad that I could help someone in need.  But in the day to day living of my life, that is not the case.

Luke 14: 25-33 talks about counting the cost of being a disciple.  Verse 33 says “So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.”  The key word in this verse is ALL.  Notice that it does not say some, or most, but all.  As a follower of Christ, I am supposed to be different than the world.  I am supposed to do stuff that makes no sense to the world.  I am supposed to trust God, all the time and for everything and I am supposed to obey scripture.  What I am learning about myself is that I love this world and the things it offers me.  What I want really is the best of both.  I want to be a Jesus follower, but I also want to do things my way, and enjoy life.  That is where the sin comes in.  I put things ahead of God.  I am greedy.  I have more faith in the money I have in the bank than in God’s ability to provide for my needs.

A few weeks ago I wrote a devotional for the teachers I work with.  I talked about how Ted being out of work for so long had given me a new appreciation for those in need.  I told them that I thought I was starting to understand how God had used that very hard time in our lives to open my eyes to those in need and increase the mercy in me and to remind me to be grateful for I had been given.  All of that is true, but I can’t help but feel a little hypocritical today as I write because God has continued to show me how deep this sin runs in my life and heart.  Many of you reading this know how God provided for every single one of our needs during those 14 months.  Our friends and family were extremely generous to us.  So, why now that we once again have a pay check coming in do I continue to struggle with how much to give?!  In fact, as I write this I’m drinking a cup of coffee because a generous friend loaned us a coffee maker this week when ours broke.  Which makes this next confession all the more difficult; I had an opportunity to be generous this week, was clearly prompted to give more than I had originally planned to give.  I failed.   I made excuses, I rationalized my decision by listing off my needs, etc..  And even though I went back and gave what I was originally prompted to give, I still sinned by disobeying.  I still cared more about myself than others.

You might be wondering why I am choosing to out myself like this.  For one, I believe that I am not the only who struggles with being generous and sacrificial giving.  And secondly, I feel like this what God has wanted me to write about for weeks and I have been trying my best to ignore that prompting as well.  I am not called to be perfect; I’m simply called to obey.  If others can learn through my failures then at least some good has come from them.

This life we live is a process.  We learn, we grow, we will continue to fall and fail at times.  God loves us through it all, in that we can be confident.  Thankfully He loves us enough to continue to challenge and grow us.  Sure it is hard and painful at times, but we are never alone.  God is always with us, right beside us, nudging us in the right direction.  Our job is to simply trust and obey.  This is much easier to say than to actually do.