You know those TV shows or movies where someone is speaking at an AA meeting?  They stand up and say, “Hi my name is Bob and I’m an alcoholic”.  Then everyone says “Hi Bob”.  That is kind of what I feel like I am getting ready to do here.  Don’t worry, I’m not an alcoholic.  But I do struggle with something just as addicting – Pride.

Hi, my name is Lori and I struggle every single day with being prideful.  I have known this for quite some time.  I have prayed about it.  I have tried to change.  And just when I think I have a handle on it, or have at least made some positive strides I am shown once again how far I have to go.

The most recent example of my pride being exposed is in my running.  I have been training to run in the Kansas City half marathon in October.  I’m running as a part of Team World Vision and supposedly the reason I’m doing this is to help raise money to provide clean drinking water to those in need.  I say supposedly, because over the past couple of months I have been convicted that I have been running for the wrong reasons.  My goal when I signed up was to beat my time from last year.  I can honestly say fund raising for clean drinking water was an afterthought at best.

Those of you that are runners or have ever participated in any type of race will understand this.  And I’m fairly sure everyone can relate at some level.  There is a lot of pride associated with running.  Everyone talks about their pace or how many miles they did, or how many times they had to walk.  You set goals, for example:  I want to beat my time from last year, or I want to set a PR (Personal Record).  Here is something I do during group runs or races; I pick out the people I need to beat.  It’s not necessarily even a conscious thought I have, until I realize that someone on “my list” is passing me. Don’t misunderstand me here; none of these things are wrong.  It’s a race, a competition; it’s good to set goals.  But at least for me, I have to be careful and keep my pride in check and remind myself of why I’m doing this in the first place.

Because I’m a slow learner, God has to hit me upside the head sometimes.  When I don’t learn things, he puts challenges in my life to “help me” learn.  In mid-July I had surgery to remove a cancerous mole.  I have a 4 ½ inch incision (healing nicely) on the inside of my right calf.  Additionally, I have a two inch incision in my right upper thigh from the same procedure.   The recovery has been slow!  At least by my estimation (there’s that pride again).  Anyway my point is that for two or three weeks I came in dead last during our group runs.  Runners that are training for the full marathon and running double the distance were lapping me.  Talk about a pride buster!  That is when I started to realize that I might be participating in this particular event with impure motives.  You see if I’m really running in order to raise money for clean drinking water it shouldn’t matter how fast or slow I am.  The fact that it was bothering me a great deal was an indication that I had way to much pride wrapped up in this race.

This weekend was another indication of me having too much pride.  I participated in a 5K, that is 3.2 miles.  I have run several races of this distance.  It shouldn’t have been a problem.  But at about the 2 mile mark, I started experiencing a good amount of pain in my groin area (one of the two surgery sites).  To make a long and painful story short, I did not finish the race.  I tapped out at the 2.5 mile mark.  I was extremely frustrated and had a good cry at the side of the course.  Thankfully my husband was there to love, support and encourage me.

Some of you are reading this thinking, give yourself a break, it has been just six weeks since your surgery, and you have to have time to heal.  I appreciate those thoughts, and have even had them myself.  But bottom line- I know my heart.  I know that I have a pride problem.  I know I have to pray about it every day.  I really believe that God gave me this struggle to teach me yet another lesson about how deep and ugly my pride is.

I run for a lot of reasons:   I enjoy being outside in nature alone with my thoughts, it helps me burn off anxiety, frustration and stress, it makes me feel good, I enjoy the comradery with fellow runners, I love tennis shoes!  I do want to get better, faster, have increased stamina and be able to really run an entire half marathon.  But for this year my new goal is simply to finish the race, even if I come in dead last.  It will be okay, because I know that I have been given a gift in being able to even participate in the race.  I know that my efforts as meager as they are will help satisfy a deep need for others.  My focus is not on myself or what I can do, but on God and what He will do.

I hope this will encourage others out there who might be struggling with similar thoughts or feelings.

2 Timothy 4:7 “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.”

1 John 2:16 “For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride of life—is not from the Father but is from the world.”