Do you ever think about your motives?  Why you do or say things?  Do you ever wonder if your motives are pure?  I have to be honest and say I do wonder about these things and fear at times my motives are anything but pure.  Writing this blog is a great example.  When I started this, I said that I was doing it for the glory of God.  But let’s be honest. It totally fills my cup when I hear that people like what I’m writing.  That’s when the lines get cloudy and my motives get questionable.

There have been a couple of situations in my life recently that have made me really think this through and consider how and why I act.  The first being my husband’s recent unemployment.  I found that I wanted lots of people to know our situation.  Now, one could make the argument that living in a Christian community this is expected and okay behavior.  Because after all, aren’t we supposed to love, support, encourage and pray for each other?  While those things are true, I do not believe my motives for telling others were always pure.  Sure, I wanted and craved the support of my friends and family.  But bottom line, I was looking for someone else to fix what I couldn’t.  I wanted someone I spoke with to come through with a great job for him.  I was showing my dependence and faith in others over my dependence and faith in God.

A more recent example of this is happening right now.  I had some minor surgery earlier this week to remove a spot of skin cancer from my leg.  Again, this is a big and kind of scary thing.  I was honestly worried and scared.  But why did I want others to know and pray for me?  Don’t get me wrong here, I believe that as followers of Christ and Christian brothers and sisters we are called to lift each other up in prayer and support each other in times of crisis.  The thing is, I’m pretty sure my motives were not all that pure.  Again, I was hoping that someone I know or told had a direct line with God.  I was hoping they could pray the perfect prayer that God could not help but answer the way I wanted.   This attitude and behavior is yet another sign of my weak faith and lack of trust in God. I was trusting the prayers of others above all else.

All of this has made we think and wonder about a few things.  For example, what would it look like if I really understood and accepted the fact that my life is not my own, but Gods?  What if I truly abandoned myself into God’s capable hands, holding nothing back?  I’m talking about more than just saying the words and hoping that I really mean them this time.  I’m talking about absolute trust, no matter what.

You see the fact is, God is and has been answering my prayers.  He is just not answering them in the way I want or that I would.  He has been faithful in His provision for us this entire time.  He has given my scripture to hold on to, when I had nothing else.  Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”  And before my surgery this verse kept coming to mind:  Jeremiah 29:11 ” For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”.  1 Peter 5:6-11 seems to keep coming up in different places for me- “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, ⁷ casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. ⁸ Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. ¹⁰ And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. ¹¹ To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.”  You see when I think back over the past year, I realize God has been extremely faithful.  He has given us great friends and an awesome family.  He has sent us financial provision when we needed it!  God has been faithful.  I have not been.

Another true confession, I actually wrote most of this a week ago.  I have been trying to find a way not to post it.  It’s a little too honest and I fear others will think less of me.  However, I have found that yet again, this is what God wants me to share.  It’s not about my thoughts, ideas or writing, but simply my walk and what he is teaching me and wanting me to share.  My prayer is that my honesty will encourage others to truly seek after God.  My personal prayer I that I will start living all of my life for the glory of God, holding nothing back and trusting no matter what.

Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings!